Imagine a large gated yard.  To those on the inside, the gate represents security and perhaps a sense of belonging. To those on the outside, the gate sends a message ‘you are not welcome’, you are not part of this area. The way we initiate and respond to conversation is similar.  Words can be used to draw a fence around an individual or small group of people to the exclusion of others. Studies of relational bullying document well how some students can isolate others through exclusionary conversation.

At the individual level, a “Gated Response” is one that fails to acknowledge the emotion or need behind the sender’s question or invitation. Take this example of a conversation between a parent and child:

Sam: “We had a pop quiz in science today.”
Dad: “Oh boy, you really need a good grade, I sure hope you passed.”

Focused on his own frustration, Sam’s dad has missed the invitation into what Sam finds interesting.  He closes himself off and it’s likely Sam will turn away in response.

In groups, gated responses may be purposeful or unintentional. They can come from being unaware of biases or of the needs and desires of those outside of the more intimate group.  It’s easy to imagine how this might occur in a classroom.  One or two students are more engaging than others.  Over time, it becomes habit for both teacher and classmates to defer to these students to answer questions and indicate that the class is ready to move on to new material. One of these students brings up a question and the teacher, excited to have someone responding, deepens the conversation with the student hoping, perhaps, that others will naturally become curious and join in.

Gated responses can result in a small handful of people controlling the energy of a group. If the teacher fails to attend to what is happening for other students in the room, less engaged students will either further detach from the discussion or find ways of getting their energy into the exchange, not always in ways that contribute to shared learning.

Gated responses maintain the alliances that are part of the larger culture of the group or organization.  Consider this exchange overheard in a teacher’s lounge. The state has just awarded the district funds to carry out a new teaching initiative. Teachers are divided over the idea with some feeling excited at the new ideas and others feeling skeptical about more demands on their time. Notice how quickly the responses serve to keep the sides separate.

Michael: Here we go again, more mandates with no money behind them.  I give it two months.
Sandra: I don’t know, I like the experiential pieces.  I think my kids would really like this.
Michael: You’ll see.  Hey Yvette, remember the composting grant? I’m still finding worm casings in my classroom!
Yvette: Oh yes.  (To Sandra) You’ll get over your enthusiasm after you’ve been here a while. (To Michael) What about the recycling plan, the one where we were banned from using Styrofoam cups and plastic spoons at any events?!

Notice how Michael’s response skips over Sandra’s comment and draws Yvette into a conversation Sandra cannot participate in. Yvette supports the gate as she minimizes Sandra’s enthusiasm and redirects the conversation to past events that did not include Sandra. If conversations continue in this manner it’s likely the division between new and experienced staff will continue.

So what can you do to open the gates in your relationships?

• Recognize when you are feeling protective and work to understand why.
• Share reactions to what you observe happening in groups and what impact it has on you.
• Ask for feedback from others around you.
• Seek to understand another perspective.

Eliminating gated responses requires a willingness to be curious and to make oneself vulnerable.  The reward is an environment where people form meaningful relationships that can sustain disagreements and use differences as opportunities for challenge and growth.