Fulfillment is the pinnacle of all goals for a human being. If you are familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, at the base we have safety/ security, then power/control, then freedom/independence, then fun/excitement, then affiliation/belonging, then intimacy/love and at the peek, fulfillment.
Fulfillment is a combination of joy, peace, meaning, and purpose. It’s not however a final destination as though we have reached fulfillment and now we can sit back and enjoy our reward. Instead, it’s a process of moving toward and away, that we hopefully remain nearer too with our acquired life experience. If we simplify fulfillment, simply based on the quality of our relationships, we get a global sense of how we are doing.
A simple way of measuring our level of fulfillment via relationships is weighing how much energy is being generated and how much is being spent, through the daily interactions we have with friends, family, colleagues, students, and even strangers.
An exchange between two people will mean energy output and input, the result of which determines whether you exit that interaction feeling more or less charged. The sum or collection of these exchanges will help determine the overall value of that relationship. Thus, if we have continuous exchange with people that deplete us of energy, our overall levels of fulfillment are likely to be low.
What we do when our output exceeds our input, determines how adaptable we are. Highly adaptable people tend to be more fulfilled, because we know how to pivot when what we are doing isn’t working. A teacher for instance, who is continuously giving to students, colleagues, and parents, without getting much back, may recognize that she has set the bar too low in what she expects from others. She can alter her approach and have a greater chance at more balanced relationships.
If we are able to make adjustments, we can adapt the relationship to work for us better and hopefully negotiate with the other to do the same. We begin by exploring the elements of our giving and receiving and the quantity/ quality of each. Most simplistically, the more we put into each exchange, which includes passion, vulnerability, ownership (of thoughts, feelings, actions) curiosity and a range of other ingredients.
The more quality and quantity of these ingredients, the greater our emotional investment will be. The greater our investment, the greater the risk, because what we put in may not match what we get by the other person.
We balance our risk taking with protectiveness, an element of caution that helps modulate our risk aversion. Similar to the types of stocks we chose or whether we put our money into a savings account, is determined in large part by our willingness to lose and our desire to gain.
For wise investors in emotional intimacy, we also use other determinants such as our needs (love and belonging), our coping (internal and external resources), and our capacity for distress (how much unpleasantness can we tolerate in the short and long terms).
The answer to this complex question is probably best measured not by a simple yes or no, but am I living in a way that generates fulfillment today and is my momentum carrying me toward even greater sense of fulfillment for my future.