Holidays can be the most enjoyable and the most stressful times of the year. We are all familiar with the common causes of stress associated with these annual events such as financial pressure, fatigue, and family pressures, but there are several less known but equally potent factors that rob people of their seasonal celebrations. The following list represents some of the lesser known reasons and the explanations why:

Loss: While the holidays are typically times of celebration, they can also conjure memories of persons who are not present. The holidays are associated with loved ones no longer with us, conjuring memories and eliciting feelings, which although may be happy, simultaneously cause us to feel pain. This loss also involves the aging of children, our own progression toward later life, and a realization of what we didn’t accomplish in the year that we had wished to. Because the holidays come at the end of the year, we tend to reflect backward, focusing on what we have lost. While this is a very common reaction, it may leave us feeling empty. If we give ourselves permission to celebrate the person or loss, so they can be brought into the present, we can share the sadness and joy with others, leaving us feeling less alone.

Old Wounds: Holidays can be life triggers, sending us back into the experiences of our childhoods; not just to the happy times but also to the hurts and traumas we carry with us. Whether we are talking about family dynamics, such as not being treated like the favored child, or not receiving love the way we needed to feel secure (the love we needed so as to feel secure), we are often reminded of these insecurities at holiday time. During the anticipation of being around family, we are transported into our early years, back to when we didn’t know how to negotiate for what we needed. We sometimes forget we are older and hence more capable of protecting ourselves without isolating or lashing out.

Lack of Self-Care: While we are rushing around trying to accomplish the myriad of tasks that keep us busy in our ordinary lives, we now add the burdens of the holidays. Running around shopping for gifts, preparing foods, being slowed in traffic, or simply keeping it all straight in our heads, means less time for taking care of ourselves. We might not want to spend the money or just not have the time to eat well, exercise, take quiet time or just breathe, leaving us feeling depleted, like it’s a race to get finished. Learning how to be in the present, enjoying each moment to its fullest, allowing whatever outcome may happen, frees us of valuable energy.

Expectations: The need to have everything just right so that nobody is disappointed and everybody has a good time, is a certain formula (is an almost definite formula) for depriving ourselves of peace. The need to have things just right, is a huge burden that’s amplified on holidays. If we don’t get just the perfect gift to express our feelings for somebody or spend the right amount of money, we risk (real or perceived) being judged as a bad friend or family member. If we don’t have the house looking right inside and out, we aren’t a well-balanced person who can handle the pressures of work and family. Our expectations drive us to setting the bar high, which can more easily lead to disappointment. We look ahead toward outcomes instead of enjoying the moment, which can be changed with something as simple as breathing. Get into your body and experience what it’s like to let go and be free.

Diffusion of Responsibility: The priority for getting the house in order, the food made, and the guests to feel welcomed, nearly always falls on one partner more than the other. If you are single, the success or failure is all your own, but if you are in a family, there is rarely a balance. This is the case for two reasons. Firstly, it’s the female who is largely graded on being a good hostess. Whoever wonders to themselves, why didn’t the husband keep the house neater or spend more time stocking the refrigerator?

Try not to get discouraged by these five weighty obstacles to happiness during the holiday season. Simply by becoming more aware of their influence, you are more than halfway toward overcoming them. If we attend to the stressors that typically lie outside of our awareness, then we are less likely to get agitated, and thus decrease the strain on our relationships. Letting others know our reactions creates opportunities for support, which means we don’t have to go through it alone. For more ideas on how to deal with stress of all kinds, consider taking one of our many courses on teachercoach.