Take a moment and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Are you thirsty? Maybe your foot has fallen asleep. Maybe you’ve been staring at your computer screen all day and you need a walk (go ahead, I’ll wait.).

Paying attention to more than the most immediate of basic needs is often not something we have been taught or encouraged to do.  In fact, placing the needs of others before our own is often seen as admirable and to tell others of what we need might be judged as being selfish.  But remember the airline attendant’s speech at take-off.  Before helping others, we are instructed, be sure to secure your mask and start the flow of oxygen.

Most of us can probably think of at least one relationship in which we ignored or brushed off something we needed from our partner.  At first this might have seemed like a way to let our partner know he/she was important, or to show interest.  But over time resentment starts to build. We might even dig in our heels and refuse to take care of our partner’s needs as well. Eventually we will have grown apart. And if we don’t spend the time identifying our needs, we’re likely to repeat the entire process again.

So how do you learn to recognize your needs?  It starts with awareness.  Some needs are easy to identify because our body sends us strong signals like a dry mouth to alert us to a need for water.  Our emotions can also be clues to help us discover our needs.  When we are uncomfortable or unhappy, something is missing.  In these moments it can be helpful to ask “How this experience is different from what I expected?  What did I need in this instance that I did not get?”

Identifying needs is a process.  It requires an openness to exploring feelings and to accepting what we might discover.  For more help in recognizing and expressing your needs, log in to our courses on Basic Human Needs.