I was complaining to a friend once about a fight I was having with my partner. “He knows I’m right but he’s too stubborn to admit it!” I lamented. She asked me if I wanted to be right, or if I wanted to be in the relationship. Being in a couple requires negotiation and compromise. My focus on winning, on being right, was pushing us farther apart. Our fights never seemed to come to any resolution and, despite our ‘agreeing to disagree’, would surface again the next round.
When we fought, I don’t believe either of us had the goal of resolving anything. As I look back, I realize our fights were about letting off steam, venting emotions that were not being shared. Sometimes, I believe I picked fights just to get my partner to engage with me and so I could yell some of the things we never seemed to be able to discuss. That was not fair to him and not fair to the relationship. 
Fighting fair means exploring the differences, being curious about the other’s experience and applying this understanding to solutions that work for you both. Our three-part series on fighting fair can help you get past the explosions of emotion and towards resolving issues that have interrupted the closeness of your relationship. These are some of the tips that fair fighters use:
- Know and speak from your feelings. Anger is usually a surface level emotion, a way of expressing a deeper need or want. Ask yourself what it is that you need from your partner.
- Give a little, take a little. Negotiation and compromise are essential in a good marriage. Be prepared to adjust your expectations as you work towards a solution together.
- There’s a time and place for everything. Fair fights are mutually agreed upon and occur when both partners feel they are best able to engage. Don’t be afraid to ask for a time out if things get too heated, but be certain to circle back at an agreed upon time.
- Stay curious. The goal of a fair fight is for each of you to learn more about the other and how you relate to one another. Ask for feedback from your partner. “Am I making sense?” “How is this to hear?” and accept constructive criticism that tells you more about your partner’s perspective.
For more help with fighting fair in your relationship, log into our courses here.