Jeff has been trying to find his soul mate for years now. What he wants more than anything is to find a partner with whom he feels he can just be himself and be accepted for who he is. The problem, he acknowledges, is that when he meets someone new he doesn’t actually show the parts of himself he is less certain will be accepted. “I’m just trapped in this circle where I wish I could find someone who will like me for who I am, but I’m afraid to show myself for fear of being rejected”
Worrying whether we will be hurt or disappointed makes sense. Protecting ourselves from risk and danger is likely what keeps us alive. But too much caution limits us and can leave us feeling, as Jeff does, that we are just going through the motions. Surviving but never really living. Sometimes the ways we have developed to keep others at a distance are so ingrained that we aren’t even aware we are putting our own needs aside. Sometimes what we mistake for rational, acceptable even desirable behavior is actually a barrier to feeling closeness.
Most of us employ at least one of the following styles of self-protection. Becoming aware of your patterns is a start towards recognizing and negotiating your needs.
Projector: This person attributes their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs to someone else. When they feel anger or frustration, they quickly make assumptions about the other person. To avoid getting rejected, the projector pushes people away, secretly hoping the others will guess what the projector wants and give it to them. Cost: you are dependent on someone else’s ability to recognize what you need.
Reflector: This person keeps everything inside, going over and over their concerns without confiding in others. This person rarely asks for help because they don’t want to be let down. Cost: often results in physical symptoms of discomfort including migraines, stomach aches and anxiety
Introjector: This person assumes they are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and reactions. This person apologizes frequently. This person is often a peace keeper and a fixer, preferring to quickly smooth over conflicts rather than explore differences. Cost: Over identification with the feelings of others can make it difficult to recognize one’s own true feelings and needs.
Deflector: This person is the master of redirection. This person often talks excessively and makes self-deprecating jokes to take attention away from themselves. This person rarely examines their behavior or feelings and resists feedback from others. This person is likely to only try to get needs met that will require very little conflict and will often redirect any attention they receive to others. Cost: While this person may have lots of acquaintances, relationships are likely to be mostly superficial.
Protective behaviors can be useful. They give us time to assess relationships and flexibility to determine how and when to be more vulnerable. Awareness of what styles we use and when so the choice to keep people at a distance is an intentional one, and one we can resist when we want to create more closeness.