Category Archives: Relationships

Are you investing your energy wisely in relationships and life?

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pigThe amount of energy we spend versus how much we generate is a simple way of appreciating our sense of fulfillment in life. We can look at this measurement on a large scale, a year for instance, or at the micro level of a more routine encounter with another person.

The quality and value of our relationships with others  is determined by the sum of a collection of exchanges or interactions.  Every exchange includes both inputs and outputs of energy. If we drill down deeper, we may understand why we value a relationship the way we do by assessing the quality and quantity of what we give and receive, and how well we are able to make adjustments to this balance.

Making adjustments means figuring out how to adapt the relationship to work for us better and hopefully negotiate with the other to do the same.  The ingredients of a fulfilling relationship include passion, vulnerability, ownership (of thoughts, feelings, actions) curiosity and energy. The greater the quality and quantity of these ingredients, the greater our emotional investment will be. However, the greater our investment, the greater the risk, because what we put in may not match what we get by the other person. 

Investment always involves a risk.

Financial planners will tell us that the reward for taking on risk is the potential for a greater investment return long term. We balance our risk taking with protectiveness. Exercising caution in relationships, being wise about how and when to invest further, helps us manage our fear of risk. Similar to the types of stocks we chose or whether we put our money into a savings account, fulfillment in life and relationships is determined in large part by our willingness to lose and our desire to gain.

Wise investors in emotional intimacy consider needs (love and belonging), coping skills (internal and external resources), and how much unpleasantness we can tolerate in the short and long terms) when determining how much energy to put up in hopes of a pay-off.

There are no sure bets, but the more we know about the resources we have to give and how and when to protect them, the more likely we are to cash in on our deepest relationship rewards.

 

That Time Trump Ran for Student Council

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The students filed into the cafeteria to hear the candidates’ speeches.  In an hour they would be casting their votes for student council president.  The two opponents took the stage.  The outgoing president gave the instructions:

“You each have two minutes to state your platform.  Let us know what makes you an ideal candidate for the job.  Afterwards you will each take up to three questions from the audience.  Candidate One, your time starts now.”

CANDIDATE 1: “Well, you all know my IQ is one of the highest.  Please don’t feel stupid, it’s not your fault. Our student leaders are stupid. I have to say, if I were in charge of the nominations, I’d have looked right into that fat, ugly face of my opponent and said ‘you’re fired’.  I mean, would any of you vote for that? Can you imagine that face as our next student council president?”

“Uh, that’s time, Candidate 1. I’m going to stop you right there.  Candidate 2, can you please address the student body with what you hope to offer our school with your leadership?”

CANDIDATE 2: “Thank you, Madame President. Before I do that I’d like to address my opponent’s claims.  I am really shocked to see such a massive hairdo.  Did you all notice it today? It is massive. But I digress.  Clearly we have a problem with school resources.  I believe we can solve this by requiring all low-income students to wear badges so that we don’t inadvertently give them supplies meant for our gifted program.  At least until we can sort all of this budget shortage stuff out.”

Note: No actual high school students were harmed in the creation of this piece. These are, however, direct quotes from some of this year’s presidential hopeful candidates.  It is sometimes hard to imagine why candidates would find this kind of bullying to be an effective way of exciting the electorate.

Strong rhetoric, like that currently making up the debates, stimulates the part of our brains that respond to fear and passion, the limbic system.  When the limbic system is activated it hijacks the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the cortex and slows our ability to use reason and judgment.

As we come to equate this kind of bullying with strong leadership, we can consider where else in our lives we are likely to substitute passion for the critical thinking skills we know are necessary for learning and growth to occur.  Consider the supervisor who ‘sets an example’ by punishing a staff person’s error; the teacher who shames misbehaving students and the relationship that is drama filled and exciting, but lacks deeper intimacy.

In the months since the campaign season began we have seen increased intolerance for diversity and strong divisions along candidate and party lines as people dig in their heels to defend their own ideas.  The very concept of dialogue is seen as spineless and weak – candidates who suggest compromise find themselves quickly out of the running.

In our November 23rd posting we discussed the concept of Constructive Differencing, wherein our differences become a tool for expanding our sense of self and of the world.  When our leaders encourage us to embrace differences and challenge us towards greater understanding of one another, we become more flexible, agile and able to adapt to change.  If we allow fear and aggression to drive our decision making, we may just end up with the leaders, schools and relationships we deserve.

 

Gated Responses

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Imagine a large gated yard.  To those on the inside, the gate represents security and perhaps a sense of belonging. To those on the outside, the gate sends a message ‘you are not welcome’, you are not part of this area. The way we initiate and respond to conversation is similar.  Words can be used to draw a fence around an individual or small group of people to the exclusion of others. Studies of relational bullying document well how some students can isolate others through exclusionary conversation.

At the individual level, a “Gated Response” is one that fails to acknowledge the emotion or need behind the sender’s question or invitation. Take this example of a conversation between a parent and child:

Sam: “We had a pop quiz in science today.”
Dad: “Oh boy, you really need a good grade, I sure hope you passed.”

Focused on his own frustration, Sam’s dad has missed the invitation into what Sam finds interesting.  He closes himself off and it’s likely Sam will turn away in response.

In groups, gated responses may be purposeful or unintentional. They can come from being unaware of biases or of the needs and desires of those outside of the more intimate group.  It’s easy to imagine how this might occur in a classroom.  One or two students are more engaging than others.  Over time, it becomes habit for both teacher and classmates to defer to these students to answer questions and indicate that the class is ready to move on to new material. One of these students brings up a question and the teacher, excited to have someone responding, deepens the conversation with the student hoping, perhaps, that others will naturally become curious and join in.

Gated responses can result in a small handful of people controlling the energy of a group. If the teacher fails to attend to what is happening for other students in the room, less engaged students will either further detach from the discussion or find ways of getting their energy into the exchange, not always in ways that contribute to shared learning.

Gated responses maintain the alliances that are part of the larger culture of the group or organization.  Consider this exchange overheard in a teacher’s lounge. The state has just awarded the district funds to carry out a new teaching initiative. Teachers are divided over the idea with some feeling excited at the new ideas and others feeling skeptical about more demands on their time. Notice how quickly the responses serve to keep the sides separate.

Michael: Here we go again, more mandates with no money behind them.  I give it two months.
Sandra: I don’t know, I like the experiential pieces.  I think my kids would really like this.
Michael: You’ll see.  Hey Yvette, remember the composting grant? I’m still finding worm casings in my classroom!
Yvette: Oh yes.  (To Sandra) You’ll get over your enthusiasm after you’ve been here a while. (To Michael) What about the recycling plan, the one where we were banned from using Styrofoam cups and plastic spoons at any events?!

Notice how Michael’s response skips over Sandra’s comment and draws Yvette into a conversation Sandra cannot participate in. Yvette supports the gate as she minimizes Sandra’s enthusiasm and redirects the conversation to past events that did not include Sandra. If conversations continue in this manner it’s likely the division between new and experienced staff will continue.

So what can you do to open the gates in your relationships?

  • Recognize when you are feeling protective and work to understand why.
  • Share reactions to what you observe happening in groups and what impact it has on you.
  • Ask for feedback from others around you.
  • Seek to understand another perspective.

Eliminating gated responses requires a willingness to be curious and to make oneself vulnerable.  The reward is an environment where people form meaningful relationships that can sustain disagreements and use differences as opportunities for challenge and growth.

 

 

 

The Arc of an Argument: Building closeness through conflict

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Couples struggling to communicate better or improve intimacy in their relationship may look to language arts class for help.

Healthy relationships depend on couples being able to negotiate with each other to meet their needs. Gestalt therapy describe this process as the contact cycle and it can be compared to the arc of a story.  The contact cycleCapture begins with awareness of a desire or need, a progression to acting on the desire, contact with the environment and then withdrawal and assessment of the process. Many of us rush through this final stage and move on to the next desire or need without taking time to fully process the experience we have just had. Without time to assess and process, we are prone to remaining stuck in unhealthy or unproductive patterns.

Consider a common challenge, snacking or mindless eating. We become aware of some sensation that we interpret as hunger or desire for food (often we rush through this stage as well, eating sometimes before determining whether it is actually nutrition we need or some other comfort.) Aware of the sensation of hunger we conceptualize what will satisfy the need and mobilize our energy to call for pizza delivery or making a sandwich. Contact is made when we eat the food.

To fully complete the cycle requires an assessment of how we knew we were hungry, how we made the decision to eat what and how much we did, how we determined we were full and how we feel after having digested our meal. Eating disorders and unhealthy habits represent limited awareness of the process.

The same reflection process can be applied to interactions in our relationships with others. Couples who find themselves in counseling are often trapped in a pattern of relating to one another without awareness of how they may be perpetuating the very distancing they hope to end. Couples who remain focused on the content of an argument without paying attention to the ‘how’ of their arguments will find themselves having the same fight again and again.

A helpful tool for couples wishing to better understand their relationship and to build intimacy is to build in time after an argument to discuss what the fight was like. This takes practice and may take outside help. The goal is not to rehash the details of who put the dishes away and when, but to ask each other “What was it like for you to have that argument with me?” It is also best to let emotions settle before processing. One couple I know uses evening dog walks as a time to review how well they were able to fight.

The following checklist can help direct your attention to the ‘how’ of

  • How did I feel when we started our discussion?
  • What wishes and fears did I have about the conversation?
  • How well did I communicate my needs to the other person?
  • What do I remember about physical sensations (muscle tension, churning stomach, etc.) and what am I aware of now?
  • What did my partner do that helped me feel heard?
  • What do I know about how I helped my partner feel heard?
  • What old wounds or habits am I aware of that were activated during our fight?
  • What will I do differently next time?

 

 

Inclusive Parenting: Harnessing Aggression to Strengthen Your Relationship

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“I’m finished! I’ve been asking you to clean your room for weeks. Hand me your phone.”

“But I won’t be able to text or call anyone all weekend!! I took out the dirty laundry, I’ll do the rest next week!”

(It should be noted here that the room in question belongs to a 13 year old boy and the ‘straightening’ being requested is not military corners and white glove dust inspection. And this is the third ‘next week’ the task has been delayed.)

“The phone will be returned when the room is clean. The rest is up to you.”

“I want you to know I am going to have a very hard time forgiving you.”

“I’m willing to deal with that.”

It’s been another typical Friday night at my house. In fact, since he started showing the first signs of puberty, arguments in the house have occurred almost daily. Many include more ‘descriptive’ language.  These are the years my mother warned me about.

Talk about the teen years long enough and you’re bound to use the word aggression, generally as a complaint about the way teens display their anger. As a therapist, I’m often asked by parents to teach their teens to stop being aggressive. However, Philip Lichtenberg, gestalt therapist, argues that there cannot be human relationships without aggression. To aggress, he argues, is simply to assert one’s will or move forward towards a goal or need. Aggression can be inclusive or exclusive, that is, aggression can be energy directed at deepening relationships or at limiting them.

Exclusive aggression is characterized by one person diminishing or negating the other. The exclusive aggressor asserts him/herself as right and the other as wrong. In order for the relationship to continue, one person must accept being ‘less than’ the other. Inclusive aggression involves actively promoting both parties in the relationship. The inclusive aggressor clearly defines their position at the same time urging the other to do the same. When both parties feel they have been heard and have listened to one another, the relationshCaptureip deepens.

The negative connotation of the term aggression means that we seldom consider it as a tool in parenting. But when we think of aggression as the means for children to develop their unique identities and sense of self, it can be something we model for them and support as a part of their development.

Perhaps we can consider parenting styles to be inclusive or exclusive. Exclusive authoritarian parenting exists when the desires and needs of the parents supersede those of the child. Relationships between parent and child in these situations are strained and the child learns that the only way to assert them self is to exert power over another.

Inclusive parenting supports the independence of both the child and the parent and brings the two closer. Inclusive parents set clear boundaries while at the same time recognizing the importance of the child’s will. They model independence and respect.

The boy in question at the beginning of this article did not get his phone back Friday night. In protest, he watched movies on his loft bed surveying his mess. The mother poured herself a glass of wine and read her book. Eventually his need to text will call him down to finish the job. And when I return his phone, I will thank him. I suspect he may even forgive me.

Protection from Rejection

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Jeff has been trying to find his soul mate for years now. What he wants more than anything is to find a partner with whom he feels he can just be himself and be accepted for who he is.  The problem, he acknowledges, is that when he meets someone new he doesn’t actually show the parts of himself he is less certain will be accepted.  “I’m just trapped in this circle where I wish I could find someone who will like me for who I am, but I’m afraid to show myself for fear of being rejected”

Worrying whether we will be hurt or disappointed makes sense.  Protecting ourselves from risk and danger is likely what keeps us alive.  But too much caution limits us and can leave us feeling, as Jeff does, that we are just going through the motions.  Surviving but never really living.  Sometimes the ways we have developed to keep others at a distance are so ingrained that we aren’t even aware we are putting our own needs aside.  Sometimes what we mistake for rational, acceptable even desirable behavior is actually a barrier to feeling closeness.

Most of us employ at least one of the following styles of self-protection.  Becoming aware of your patterns is a start towards recognizing and negotiating your needs.

projectorProjector: This person attributes their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs to someone else.   When they feel anger or frustration, they quickly make assumptions about the other person. To avoid getting rejected, the projector pushes people away, secretly hoping the others will guess what the projector wants and give it to them. Cost:  you are dependent on someone else’s ability to recognize what you need.

reflectionReflector: This person keeps everything inside, going over and over their concerns without confiding in others.  This person rarely asks for help because they don’t want to be let down.  Cost: often results in physical symptoms of discomfort including migraines, stomach aches and anxiety

sorryIntrojector: This person assumes they are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and reactions.  This person apologizes frequently. This person is often a peace keeper and a fixer, preferring to quickly smooth over conflicts rather than explore differences.  Cost: Over identification with the feelings of others can make it difficult to recognize one’s own true feelings and needs.

arrows shieldDeflector: This person is the master of redirection.  This person often talks excessively and makes self-deprecating jokes to take attention away from themselves. This person rarely examines their behavior or feelings and resists feedback from others.  This person is likely to only try to get needs met that will require very little conflict and will often redirect any attention they receive to others. Cost: While this person may have lots of acquaintances, relationships are likely to be mostly superficial.

Protective behaviors can be useful.  They give us time to assess relationships and flexibility to determine how and when to be more vulnerable.  Awareness of what styles we use and when so the choice to keep people at a distance is an intentional one, and one we can resist when we want to create more closeness.

 

That Time Trump Ran for Student Council

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sm_rooster_freeThe students filed into the cafeteria to hear the candidates’ speeches.  In an hour they would be casting their votes for student council president.  The two opponents took the stage.  The outgoing president gave the instructions:

“You each have two minutes to state your platform.  Let us know what makes you an ideal candidate for the job.  Afterwards you will each take up to three questions from the audience.  Candidate One, your time starts now.”

CANDIDATE 1: “Well, you all know my IQ is one of the highest.  Please don’t feel stupid, it’s not your fault. Our student leaders are stupid. I have to say, if I were in charge of the nominations, I’d have looked right into that fat, ugly face of my opponent and said ‘you’re fired’.  I mean, would any of you vote for that? Can you imagine that face as our next student council president?”

“Uh, that’s time, Candidate 1. I’m going to stop you right there.  Candidate 2, can you please address the student body with what you hope to offer our school with your leadership?”

CANDIDATE 2: “Thank you, Madame President. Before I do that I’d like to address my opponent’s claims.  I am really shocked to see such a massive hairdo.  Did you all notice it today? It is massive. But I digress.  Clearly we have a problem with school resources.  I believe we can solve this by requiring all low-income students to wear badges so that we don’t inadvertently give them supplies meant for our gifted program.  At least until we can sort all of this budget shortage stuff out.”

Note: No actual high school students were harmed in the creation of this piece. These are, however, direct quotes from some of this year’s presidential hopeful candidates.  It is sometimes hard to imagine why candidates would find this kind of bullying to be an effective way of exciting the electorate.

Strong rhetoric, like that currently making up the debates, stimulates the part of our brains that respond to fear and passion, the limbic system.  When the limbic system is activated it hijacks the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the cortex and slows our ability to use reason and judgment.

As we come to equate this kind of bullying with strong leadership, we can consider where else in our lives we are likely to substitute passion for the critical thinking skills we know are necessary for learning and growth to occur.  Consider the supervisor who ‘sets an example’ by punishing a staff person’s error; the teacher who shames misbehaving students and the relationship that is drama filled and exciting, but lacks deeper intimacy.

In the months since the campaign season began we have seen increased intolerance for diversity and strong divisions along candidate and party lines as people dig in their heels to defend their own ideas.  The very concept of dialogue is seen as spineless and weak – candidates who suggest compromise find themselves quickly out of the running.

In our November 23rd posting we discussed the concept of Constructive Differencing, wherein our differences become a tool for expanding our sense of self and of the world.  When our leaders encourage us to embrace differences and challenge us towards greater understanding of one another, we become more flexible, agile and able to adapt to change.  If we allow fear and aggression to drive our decision making, we may just end up with the leaders, schools and relationships we deserve.

 

The Most Important Skill Missing from Education: Constructive Differencing

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CaptureConstructive differencing, a concept put forth by Dr. Jared Scherz, encourages the creation of a learning environment that embraces differences. Differences become the fertile ground for expanding our self of self, others, and the world. Constructive differencing helps to grow empathy and produces greater intimacy in our lives.

Constructive differencing is based on a premise that people will have divergent beliefs, values, thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc… that we can use to get to know them and ourselves better. Children are not often asked for their opinions making it difficult for them to respect or even embrace what they don’t resonate with. We are often taught that our ability to be accepted and valued depends on our ability to agree with people.  Many of us were raised to see respect in terms of follow directions, doing what’s expected and not questioning authority.

The danger in believing that there is only one way to think about something is that it can set one up to have little interest in or tolerance for new information.  Rigid thinking limits our problem solving skills and inhibits relationship building across differences. The less flexibly we are in our thinking/ perceiving, the more likely we are to approach conflict as a prelude to aggression. Conversely, the more flexible we are in thinking/ perceiving, the less intimidated we are by differences.

We can accomplish this flexible posture more easily through greater awareness of our own insecurities and frailties, which can inhibit our receptivity and distort our perceptions. If Mrs. Smith for instance, doesn’t recognize that she is insecure about her aging process (drying skin, changing figure, etc…), she may not be as receptive to a skinny young female student who talks about being fat.

Curiosity about how children formulate an opinion, come to conclusions, or how they see the world, can help teachers reach students where they are. This is most difficult when students have views that are diametrically opposed to our own. If Mr. Bell’s fourth grade student announces to his class that all Muslims are evil, Mr. Bell may feel a strong impulse to correct his student. Doing so without trying to understand how this child came to embody such a strong belief, risks pushing the student even further toward an extreme polarity.

Teachers can model for children how to consider multiple perspectives and dialogue about them in a way that invites closeness as opposed to tension. Curiosity is the key and a replacement to the antiquate right and wrong perspective that leads to polarization. Curiosity helps navigate peaceful conflict, because we can’t find a solutions, common ground, or even have a safe/ productive negotiation without each person knowing their beliefs matter. Helping individuals to stay connected, even when they disagree is the single most difficult challenge of teaching students and one that can be helped with an appreciation for curiosity.

Adults working (or living) with children are often tempted to jump in and resolve conflicts and disagreements between children. We solve or advise in a way that takes away the power from students to resolve the problem themselves.  We offer solutions before we fully understand how or why a child has developed the behavior or belief he/she has.

Curiosity about the life of the student in the South Carolina classroom who was defiant and forcibly removed by a community resource officer might have revealed her need for additional services.  Had the administration asked of the other students “How can we solve this problem in a way that doesn’t cause harm to anyone or anything? How can we each get what we want?”, they would have modeled empathy and empowered the students to be a part of creating a learning environment in which they feel engaged.

Fighting Fair

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I was complaining to a friend once about a fight I was having with my partner. “He knows I’m right but he’s too stubborn to admit it!” I lamented.  She asked me if I wanted to be right, or if I wanted to be in the relationship.  Being in a couple requires negotiation and compromise.  My focus on winning, on being right, was pushing us farther apart.  Our fights never seemed to come to any resolution and, despite our ‘agreeing to disagree’, would surface again the next round.

When we fought, I don’t believe either of us had the goal of resolving anything.  As I look back, I realize our fights were about letting off steam, venting emotions that were not being shared.  Sometimes, I believe I picked fights just to get my partner to engage with me and so I could yell some of the things we never seemed to be able to discuss. That was not fair to him and not fair to the relationship. Capture

Fighting fair means exploring the differences, being curious about the other’s experience and applying this understanding to solutions that work for you both.  Our three-part series on fighting fair can help you get past the explosions of emotion and towards resolving issues that have interrupted the closeness of your relationship. These are some of the tips that fair fighters use:

  1. Know and speak from your feelings. Anger is usually a surface level emotion, a way of expressing a deeper need or want.  Ask yourself what it is that you need from your partner.
  1. Give a little, take a little. Negotiation and compromise are essential in a good marriage.  Be prepared to adjust your expectations as you work towards a solution together.
  1. There’s a time and place for everything. Fair fights are mutually agreed upon and occur when both partners feel they are best able to engage. Don’t be afraid to ask for a time out if things get too heated, but be certain to circle back at an agreed upon time.
  1. Stay curious. The goal of a fair fight is for each of you to learn more about the other and how you relate to one another.  Ask for feedback from your partner.  “Am I making sense?” “How is this to hear?” and accept constructive criticism that tells you more about your partner’s perspective.

For more help with fighting fair in your relationship, log into our courses here.

Need Anything?

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Take a moment and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Are you thirsty? Maybe your foot has fallen asleep. CaptureMaybe you’ve been staring at your computer screen all day and you need a walk (go ahead, I’ll wait.).

Paying attention to more than the most immediate of basic needs is often not something we have been taught or encouraged to do.  In fact, placing the needs of others before our own is often seen as admirable and to tell others of what we need might be judged as being selfish.  But remember the airline attendant’s speech at take-off.  Before helping others, we are instructed, be sure to secure your mask and start the flow of oxygen.

Most of us can probably think of at least one relationship in which we ignored or brushed off something we needed from our partner.  At first this might have seemed like a way to let our partner know he/she was important, or to show interest.  But over time resentment starts to build. We might even dig in our heels and refuse to take care of our partner’s needs as well. Eventually we will have grown apart. And if we don’t spend the time identifying our needs, we’re likely to repeat the entire process again.

So how do you learn to recognize your needs?  It starts with awareness.  Some needs are easy to identify because our body sends us strong signals like a dry mouth to alert us to a need for water.  Our emotions can also be clues to help us discover our needs.  When we are uncomfortable or unhappy, something is missing.  In these moments it can be helpful to ask “How this experience is different from what I expected?  What did I need in this instance that I did not get?”

Identifying needs is a process.  It requires an openness to exploring feelings and to accepting what we might discover.  For more help in recognizing and expressing your needs, log in to our courses on Basic Human Needs.