Are you investing your energy wisely in relationships and life?

pigThe amount of energy we spend versus how much we generate is a simple way of appreciating our sense of fulfillment in life. We can look at this measurement on a large scale, a year for instance, or at the micro level of a more routine encounter with another person.

The quality and value of our relationships with others  is determined by the sum of a collection of exchanges or interactions.  Every exchange includes both inputs and outputs of energy. If we drill down deeper, we may understand why we value a relationship the way we do by assessing the quality and quantity of what we give and receive, and how well we are able to make adjustments to this balance.

Making adjustments means figuring out how to adapt the relationship to work for us better and hopefully negotiate with the other to do the same.  The ingredients of a fulfilling relationship include passion, vulnerability, ownership (of thoughts, feelings, actions) curiosity and energy. The greater the quality and quantity of these ingredients, the greater our emotional investment will be. However, the greater our investment, the greater the risk, because what we put in may not match what we get by the other person. 

Investment always involves a risk.

Financial planners will tell us that the reward for taking on risk is the potential for a greater investment return long term. We balance our risk taking with protectiveness. Exercising caution in relationships, being wise about how and when to invest further, helps us manage our fear of risk. Similar to the types of stocks we chose or whether we put our money into a savings account, fulfillment in life and relationships is determined in large part by our willingness to lose and our desire to gain.

Wise investors in emotional intimacy consider needs (love and belonging), coping skills (internal and external resources), and how much unpleasantness we can tolerate in the short and long terms) when determining how much energy to put up in hopes of a pay-off.

There are no sure bets, but the more we know about the resources we have to give and how and when to protect them, the more likely we are to cash in on our deepest relationship rewards.

 

Inclusive Parenting: Harnessing Aggression to Strengthen Your Relationship

“I’m finished! I’ve been asking you to clean your room for weeks. Hand me your phone.”

“But I won’t be able to text or call anyone all weekend!! I took out the dirty laundry, I’ll do the rest next week!”

(It should be noted here that the room in question belongs to a 13 year old boy and the ‘straightening’ being requested is not military corners and white glove dust inspection. And this is the third ‘next week’ the task has been delayed.)

“The phone will be returned when the room is clean. The rest is up to you.”

“I want you to know I am going to have a very hard time forgiving you.”

“I’m willing to deal with that.”

It’s been another typical Friday night at my house. In fact, since he started showing the first signs of puberty, arguments in the house have occurred almost daily. Many include more ‘descriptive’ language.  These are the years my mother warned me about.

Talk about the teen years long enough and you’re bound to use the word aggression, generally as a complaint about the way teens display their anger. As a therapist, I’m often asked by parents to teach their teens to stop being aggressive. However, Philip Lichtenberg, gestalt therapist, argues that there cannot be human relationships without aggression. To aggress, he argues, is simply to assert one’s will or move forward towards a goal or need. Aggression can be inclusive or exclusive, that is, aggression can be energy directed at deepening relationships or at limiting them.

Exclusive aggression is characterized by one person diminishing or negating the other. The exclusive aggressor asserts him/herself as right and the other as wrong. In order for the relationship to continue, one person must accept being ‘less than’ the other. Inclusive aggression involves actively promoting both parties in the relationship. The inclusive aggressor clearly defines their position at the same time urging the other to do the same. When both parties feel they have been heard and have listened to one another, the relationshCaptureip deepens.

The negative connotation of the term aggression means that we seldom consider it as a tool in parenting. But when we think of aggression as the means for children to develop their unique identities and sense of self, it can be something we model for them and support as a part of their development.

Perhaps we can consider parenting styles to be inclusive or exclusive. Exclusive authoritarian parenting exists when the desires and needs of the parents supersede those of the child. Relationships between parent and child in these situations are strained and the child learns that the only way to assert them self is to exert power over another.

Inclusive parenting supports the independence of both the child and the parent and brings the two closer. Inclusive parents set clear boundaries while at the same time recognizing the importance of the child’s will. They model independence and respect.

The boy in question at the beginning of this article did not get his phone back Friday night. In protest, he watched movies on his loft bed surveying his mess. The mother poured herself a glass of wine and read her book. Eventually his need to text will call him down to finish the job. And when I return his phone, I will thank him. I suspect he may even forgive me.

Protection from Rejection

Jeff has been trying to find his soul mate for years now. What he wants more than anything is to find a partner with whom he feels he can just be himself and be accepted for who he is.  The problem, he acknowledges, is that when he meets someone new he doesn’t actually show the parts of himself he is less certain will be accepted.  “I’m just trapped in this circle where I wish I could find someone who will like me for who I am, but I’m afraid to show myself for fear of being rejected”

Worrying whether we will be hurt or disappointed makes sense.  Protecting ourselves from risk and danger is likely what keeps us alive.  But too much caution limits us and can leave us feeling, as Jeff does, that we are just going through the motions.  Surviving but never really living.  Sometimes the ways we have developed to keep others at a distance are so ingrained that we aren’t even aware we are putting our own needs aside.  Sometimes what we mistake for rational, acceptable even desirable behavior is actually a barrier to feeling closeness.

Most of us employ at least one of the following styles of self-protection.  Becoming aware of your patterns is a start towards recognizing and negotiating your needs.

projectorProjector: This person attributes their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs to someone else.   When they feel anger or frustration, they quickly make assumptions about the other person. To avoid getting rejected, the projector pushes people away, secretly hoping the others will guess what the projector wants and give it to them. Cost:  you are dependent on someone else’s ability to recognize what you need.

reflectionReflector: This person keeps everything inside, going over and over their concerns without confiding in others.  This person rarely asks for help because they don’t want to be let down.  Cost: often results in physical symptoms of discomfort including migraines, stomach aches and anxiety

sorryIntrojector: This person assumes they are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and reactions.  This person apologizes frequently. This person is often a peace keeper and a fixer, preferring to quickly smooth over conflicts rather than explore differences.  Cost: Over identification with the feelings of others can make it difficult to recognize one’s own true feelings and needs.

arrows shieldDeflector: This person is the master of redirection.  This person often talks excessively and makes self-deprecating jokes to take attention away from themselves. This person rarely examines their behavior or feelings and resists feedback from others.  This person is likely to only try to get needs met that will require very little conflict and will often redirect any attention they receive to others. Cost: While this person may have lots of acquaintances, relationships are likely to be mostly superficial.

Protective behaviors can be useful.  They give us time to assess relationships and flexibility to determine how and when to be more vulnerable.  Awareness of what styles we use and when so the choice to keep people at a distance is an intentional one, and one we can resist when we want to create more closeness.

 

Need Anything?

Take a moment and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Are you thirsty? Maybe your foot has fallen asleep. CaptureMaybe you’ve been staring at your computer screen all day and you need a walk (go ahead, I’ll wait.).

Paying attention to more than the most immediate of basic needs is often not something we have been taught or encouraged to do.  In fact, placing the needs of others before our own is often seen as admirable and to tell others of what we need might be judged as being selfish.  But remember the airline attendant’s speech at take-off.  Before helping others, we are instructed, be sure to secure your mask and start the flow of oxygen.

Most of us can probably think of at least one relationship in which we ignored or brushed off something we needed from our partner.  At first this might have seemed like a way to let our partner know he/she was important, or to show interest.  But over time resentment starts to build. We might even dig in our heels and refuse to take care of our partner’s needs as well. Eventually we will have grown apart. And if we don’t spend the time identifying our needs, we’re likely to repeat the entire process again.

So how do you learn to recognize your needs?  It starts with awareness.  Some needs are easy to identify because our body sends us strong signals like a dry mouth to alert us to a need for water.  Our emotions can also be clues to help us discover our needs.  When we are uncomfortable or unhappy, something is missing.  In these moments it can be helpful to ask “How this experience is different from what I expected?  What did I need in this instance that I did not get?”

Identifying needs is a process.  It requires an openness to exploring feelings and to accepting what we might discover.  For more help in recognizing and expressing your needs, log in to our courses on Basic Human Needs.

Am I in a Dysfunctional Relationship?

wilted flowersAll relationships have their ups and downs. In successful relationships, partners learn to explore disappointments and disillusionments together, each taking ownership of their own part In the problems and learning to overcome toxic behaviors together. For a partnership to be healthy, both partners need to learn why they act and react the way they do.  In dysfunctional relationships unhealthy patterns go unchanged.  Bickering and arguing, avoiding and withdrawing become standard and it can be difficult to objectively assess your relationship.

If any of these statements are true for you, it could be an indication that something is amiss in your relationship and you could benefit from counseling or support:

 

I am on edge about making my partner upset – you find yourself avoiding conflict and going out of your way to ‘smooth over’ any differences.

I make my choice to stay together because I don’t want to be alone – Fears of never finding another partner, or only ending up in another relationship like the one you are in keep you stuck in a relationship you don’t find satisfying

I’m embarrassed to introduce or spend time with friends and my significant other – Your partner’s behavior has become unpredictable or you worry that your friends would not approve of how they see you being treated

I feel controlled – you have limited opportunity to make choices or decisions in the relationship, you find yourself cancelling or avoiding events because your partner won’t want to go or will make thinks unpleasant if you do

I have to plead with my partner to meet my needs – you regularly or frequently find yourself feeling the relationship is ‘uneven’ and that your partner does not place importance on your needs

A healthy relationship requires healthy partners. The only way to improve a dysfunctional relationship is for both partners to identify and take ownership of their contributions to the problems.  That is often not a reality in dysfunctional partnerships.  If your partner is unwilling to participate in couples’ therapy, individual counseling can help you to recognize why you act and react the way you do and help you to build your own sense of self, giving you more choices and options in your intimate relationships.