Suicide Prevention Amidst a Pandemic

Posted on September 10, 2020 by tcadmin

The threats to our school community are nearly too numerous to count. Adults are reporting significantly high levels of stress, questioning how students with even less volition will be able to cope. Administrators are trying to staff buildings, students are worried about the virtual and hybrid instruction, and everybody is concerned for their health.

One NJ District faculty self-report of stress:

Stress Level Now Before Pandemic

Extremely High: 15.3% 5.1%

Very High: 17.2% 11.4%

High: 24.8% 19.3%

Moderate: 31.8% 48.9%

Total: 89.1% 84.7%

Nearly six months of isolation, limiting socializing, and restricted recreation have taken its toll. Fear, helplessness and despair are beyond what human beings aren’t meant to endure for prolonged periods of time and unfortunately, the threat hasn’t abated.

As with the above statistic, the 10% increase in those who are ‘extremely stressed’ represent the adults at highest risk, similar to the top echelon of students in this same category.

While most districts have reopened for some form of instruction, we are unsure whether to accept this living as normal or hold out hope for a restoration of familiarity. Without some sense of what to expect, we live in a state of agitation, or hypervigilance. Being ‘on guard’ erodes our resiliency and move the needle for more students and adults to be in the ‘at risk’ category.

Students with previous risk or threats of suicide, those students with existing mental health issues, newly identified students with mood disorders, those who have suffered a significant grief/loss in the past few months, those students who identify as gay/lesbian/bi-sexual and sexual identity confusion are all in higher risk categories.

In addition, those who are experiencing family turmoil, experiencing school problems, have an intimate partner problem or experienced some crisis in the past two weeks are at the highest risk. Thus, situational factors may mean a student who is not in one of the above categories can be at risk, due to the greater fragility of teens and pre-teens.

There isn’t a significant different in percentage for those who seriously considered suicide between 9^th and 12^th grade, nor is there between Black, White, or Hispanic youth, although females were quite a bit more likely. The months following a prolonged absence from school saw a rise in suicides with January and February being the worst.

Suicide rates for school aged children have been going up steadily since 2007, with the anticipation of an even greater spike this coming school year. Therefore, schools need to be prepared with a number of different prevention and intervention procedures, unified through a single paradigm. Replacing the old model of reactive hospitalizations, school personnel require advanced training in detection and intervention.

Faculty training critical components:

A standard operating plan for intervention (including telehealth challenges)
Understand how to create a stabilization plan
Appreciate the critical areas for assessment of risk
Curation of diverse external resources for levels of concern
Recognize the potentially well-intended but harmful methods of support
How SEL & mental health are linked for both prevention and intervention

Districts will have a difficult time making suicide prevention a priority when there are multiple imminent threats to contend with. In addition, the shared dis-ease of the faculty paired with social distancing, may mean impaired objectivity, or even caution around emotional investment. Physical security and emotional safety ought to be a close one and two this year so preventable casualties of this awful situation are not missed.

TeacherCoach will make suicide prevention training our first in a long series of webinars offered to our clients over the next nine months. For more information, please contact us at info@teachercoach.com.

Am I Fulfilled?

Posted on November 2, 2017 by tcadmin

Fulfillment is the pinnacle of all goals for a human being. If you are familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, at the base we have safety/ security, then power/control, then freedom/independence, then fun/excitement, then affiliation/belonging, then intimacy/love and at the peek, fulfillment.

Fulfillment is a combination of joy, peace, meaning, and purpose. It’s not however a final destination as though we have reached fulfillment and now we can sit back and enjoy our reward. Instead, it’s a process of moving toward and away, that we hopefully remain nearer too with our acquired life experience. If we simplify fulfillment, simply based on the quality of our relationships, we get a global sense of how we are doing.

A simple way of measuring our level of fulfillment via relationships is weighing how much energy is being generated and how much is being spent, through the daily interactions we have with friends, family, colleagues, students, and even strangers.

An exchange between two people will mean energy output and input, the result of which determines whether you exit that interaction feeling more or less charged. The sum or collection of these exchanges will help determine the overall value of that relationship. Thus, if we have continuous exchange with people that deplete us of energy, our overall levels of fulfillment are likely to be low.

What we do when our output exceeds our input, determines how adaptable we are. Highly adaptable people tend to be more fulfilled, because we know how to pivot when what we are doing isn’t working. A teacher for instance, who is continuously giving to students, colleagues, and parents, without getting much back, may recognize that she has set the bar too low in what she expects from others. She can alter her approach and have a greater chance at more balanced relationships.

If we are able to make adjustments, we can adapt the relationship to work for us better and hopefully negotiate with the other to do the same. We begin by exploring the elements of our giving and receiving and the quantity/ quality of each. Most simplistically, the more we put into each exchange, which includes passion, vulnerability, ownership (of thoughts, feelings, actions) curiosity and a range of other ingredients.

The more quality and quantity of these ingredients, the greater our emotional investment will be. The greater our investment, the greater the risk, because what we put in may not match what we get by the other person.

We balance our risk taking with protectiveness, an element of caution that helps modulate our risk aversion. Similar to the types of stocks we chose or whether we put our money into a savings account, is determined in large part by our willingness to lose and our desire to gain.

For wise investors in emotional intimacy, we also use other determinants such as our needs (love and belonging), our coping (internal and external resources), and our capacity for distress (how much unpleasantness can we tolerate in the short and long terms).

The answer to this complex question is probably best measured not by a simple yes or no, but am I living in a way that generates fulfillment today and is my momentum carrying me toward even greater sense of fulfillment for my future.

Using Metaphors to Visualize Problems is Like a Massage for Your Brain

Posted on May 21, 2016 by tcadmin

“Jealousy feels like everybody in the world getting ice cream brought to them on the couch and you get none” – Olivia, age 7

Writing teachers must be doing an incredible job. The young people I see in therapy are masters of descriptive metaphor when it comes to describing the challenges they face in life and in how they might overcome them.

brain-massage Recent brain research has uncovered some of the potential healing benefits of thinking in metaphor. A 2008 study found that the sensory areas of the brain are activated when we hear a metaphor. Imagining yourself to be as ‘cool as a cucumber’ might send soothing signals to your brain in a stressful situation. Metaphors can bridge the mind/body gap, allowing us to understand our experiences and connect to our physical sensations, which can help us reduce stress.

Therapists have long understood the benefits of metaphor in helping clients shift perspective and unlock old ways of thinking. Metaphors can help a therapist and client visualize a problem more clearly and envision new solutions that might be difficult to imagine when one is focused on the immediate context and detail.

Olivia struggles with sharing her mother’s attention with her twin brother. Her comment above allowed us to talk about her feelings in a way that was removed enough from the anger she felt towards him that she could contemplate different possible ways of dealing with them.

ME: And who brings the ice cream to everyone else?

HER: The mothers!

ME: And what do you want to tell all those mothers?

HER: I want some ice cream too!!

ME: And what happens if you get some ice cream?

HER: I’m not so mad at the rest of them and it’s fair.

From here, we were able to talk more about how it felt when her brother was getting more attention than she was and she was able to feel a sense of control and calm that wasn’t accessible to her when she was angry at her brother.

Children aren’t the only ones who can benefit from visualizing through metaphor. Jarvis is a self-described worrier.

“I’m always focused on the worst possible outcome. I can’t even enjoy a night out because I’m thinking about what it will be like if things don’t go well.”

“Sounds like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Yes that! Exactly”

“Maybe there’s only one shoe.”

I asked Jarvis to picture one shoe hanging above the floor. Then I asked him to see it fall to the ground and to imagine looking up again to see no other shoe. “What is it like to know there isn’t a second one waiting to fall?” I asked. He told me he felt he could keep his eyes focused forward. He said he felt his chest loosen and his shoulders relax a bit. His homework would be to call up the image of the shoe whenever he started to imagine what might go wrong and see if that helped him stay a little more focused on the present. Two weeks later, he reported being much more able to enjoy himself, though sometimes he confessed to imagining the second shoe.

Think of a problem you are currently facing. How might you use metaphor to describe it? What metaphors are you already using and not aware of (Are you painted into a corner? Are you walking on a tightrope?) Rather than focus on the details of your problem, imagine the metaphor as literal. Can you see yourself holding an umbrella to balance you across the high wire or finding a creative way across the painted floor?

Creating a visual picture can help you become more flexible in dealing with challenges and may reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety and stress you’ve been experiencing.

Anxiety in the Classroom

Posted on March 18, 2016 by tcadmin

Take a moment, right now, and pay attention to what’s going on around you. How are you seated in your chair? Is there tension in your neck, shoulders, jaw? Is it noisy where you are? Do you feel rushed to finish this article and get on to your next task? Close your eyes for a moment and take a few deep breaths. What do you notice now? Did anything change in your posture? How about your heart rate? Maybe nothing is different. Notice that too and notice how you feel about that.

That reflecting you just did was possible courtesy of your pre-frontal cortex. That’s the part of the brain that allows you to regulate your emotional responses and override any automatic behaviors or habits. It is central to self-regulation and empathy. And it doesn’t fully develop until the mid to late 20s.

When we experience something threatening, the fight or flight response is immediately triggered and the part of your brain that deals with emotions hijacks the thinking part of your brain. The prefrontal cortex, when activated, can serve as the ‘brakes’ to this response, lowering the alert signals and allowing you to assess the situation with more reason.

Children, however, do not have a fully developed prefrontal cortex to help them easily regulate high emotions. What might not seem to the rational, adult mind to be more than an annoyance, is perceived in the child brain as a threat. Fear triggers the release of stress hormones and if the child is unable to regulate the response, anxiety and then panic may set in.

Anxiety, in and of itself, is not an affliction. Anxiety helps us to be alerted to our surroundings. It can propel us to action and improve our performance. Anxiety is a signal to us that there is an imbalance between what we feel and what we think or know. Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future represent a skew towards overthinking. Becoming overwhelmed by emotions represents the other end of the pole.

What to Look for and How to Address Anxiety in the Classroom

In order to help children manage their anxieties we need to first recognize some indicators that a child may be experiencing high levels of stress. Anxious children may verbally express worries about grades, friends, physical activities etc. Preoccupation with getting the right answer or completing tasks perfectly are also indicators of anxiety. Restlessness, difficulty focusing or withdrawal may also be observed in the anxious child. These symptoms can often be mistaken for attention deficit disorder (ADHD) prematurely.

All children, whether they experience high levels of anxiety or not, can benefit from breathing and relaxation exercises to help them become more aware of body sensations and emotions. Here are some easy to implement strategies to combat classroom anxiety:

Use language children can understand to describe what they might be feeling. Instead of anxiety, try words like ‘worry’, ‘afraid’, ‘pressure’.
Incorporate breathing, stretching and relaxing exercises into the daily schedule. Before beginning a new subject, ask children to pay attention to their breathing, see if they can fill a ‘belly balloon’ with a longer, slow breath and then blow it out as if they are blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. Invite children to comment on what they notice this changes in their bodies. Invite children to tense and then relax their muscles to help them recognize the difference.
Teach children to celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn. Neil deGrasse Tyson recently lost a popular radio quiz show game on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”. When the host asked if he was embarrassed to have gotten two out of the three questions wrong he said “If I had gotten all three right, I wouldn’t have learned anything. Today I got to learn two new things.”
Allow time for students to reflect on mistakes and successes so that reflection is a part of the learning process and not only as a consequence or punishment. Ask children to regularly name what they did that worked for them and what they will improve on next time.

Finally, we can’t teach what we don’t know. Learning more about how anxiety impacts you and how to manage your own symptoms will better prepare you to recognize and respond to children’s behaviors as they occur in your class. You can learn more about anxiety and how to manage it in our video courses at TeacherCoach.com.

Three Steps from the Assembly Line

Posted on March 12, 2016 by tcadmin

Lack of control over their work
The inability to be able to use their acquired skills
Low job security
High performance demands
Low pay
Limited decision making power
Lack of mental stimulation
Long hours
Poor work conditions

This is not a list of complaints from the teacher’s union, but a list of factors identified as contributing to stress and burnout among factory workers. As these stressors continue, workers become disengaged from their work, productivity drops and stress related injuries increase.

While attention in the field of industry turns to ways for increasing employee satisfaction and engagement, education seems to be marching closer to the assembly line. Teachers are being pressed to rely less and less on their own talents and passions in order to conform to prescribed academic standards and curricula. Measurements for teacher success seemingly have little to do with a teacher’s creativity or job satisfaction and do not take into account the impact of the larger education culture.

When teachers feel disconnected from their work, they become disconnected from their students. Research shows that risk-protective factors such as self-esteem, determination, and ‘grit’ in young people are fostered through relationships with caring adults, teachers and mentors. And yet, teachers’ well-being is often at best an after-thought to professional development, and more often dismissed entirely.

When teachers can bring their whole selves to work they can foster the kinds of relationships necessary for student well-being. Teachers who have a greater awareness of their own needs and abilities have a greater potential to be effective educators and role models to their students.

What can schools do to create a culture that values the importance of teacher engagement and satisfaction? Again, we might look to industry research that suggests that workplaces that incorporate wellness into the culture see greater productivity and satisfaction.

The following elements have been shown to be essential to creating a workplace that values the whole person. How far from your school to the factory floor?

Healthy and successful schools:

Embrace risk-taking
Allow for and celebrate mistakes as evidence of learning
Support healthy conflict
Set high expectations without demanding perfection
Offer a high level of nurturance
Focus more attention on process and environment instead of output

Thinking Styles That Can Leave You Feeling Mad as a Hatter

Posted on March 4, 2016 by tcadmin

In honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday this week, we will draw our inspiration from a much-loved children’s book Alice in Wonderland.

Alice is chatting with the Mock Turtle and Gryphon when they ask her to tell them about her past. So much has happened to poor Alice in the past 24 hours that she says to her friends:

‘It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.’

What a liberating notion, that what is possible today could be completely unexpected and different from all the adventures that came before it. So often we become locked into patterns of relating to others based on our previous experiences. We’ve been hurt before so we protect ourselves through predictions and conclusions we draw based on yesterday’s stories. And we rarely take the time to check out whether our predictions are correct or if there might be another possible outcome.

Here are 10 common thinking styles that can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety and a feeling of being ‘stuck’ in our relationships and personal lives:

All or Nothing Thinking: This is sometimes called black and white thinking and leads to the belief that something is only ever right or wrong.
Negative Filter: Giving weight only to negative information or information that supports our negative assumptions
Jumping to Conclusions: Believing that we know what others are thinking (Mindreading) or that we know what will happen (Fortune Telling)
Emotional Reasoning: Assigning incorrect meaning to feelings “I’m embarrassed so I must be stupid”
Labeling: Assigning labels to others and to ourselves
Over-Generalizing: “People are always selfish”, “Nothing ever works out for me”
Minimizing the Positive: Making excuses that diminish your accomplishments
Catastrophizing: Blowing things out of proportion and imagining the worst possible outcome
“Shoulding”: Using critical words like ‘should’, ‘must’, and ‘ought’ about ourselves can leave us feeling guilty and as if we’ve already failed. Using them about others can leave us frustrated when they fail to meet our expectations.
Personalization: Taking responsibility for things that are not completely your fault or blaming others for something for which you bear some responsibility.

If you’d like your own “Through the Looking Glass” experience, consider choosing one of these patterns you recognize in yourself and spend an entire day challenging yourself to both notice when you are using the pattern and trying to do it’s opposite. For example, what might happen if, for each time you notice something negative in the day, you seek out something you can also appreciate?

Who knows what you might uncover? As Alice says:

“I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.”

Protection from Rejection

Posted on February 19, 2016 by tcadmin

Jeff has been trying to find his soul mate for years now. What he wants more than anything is to find a partner with whom he feels he can just be himself and be accepted for who he is. The problem, he acknowledges, is that when he meets someone new he doesn’t actually show the parts of himself he is less certain will be accepted. “I’m just trapped in this circle where I wish I could find someone who will like me for who I am, but I’m afraid to show myself for fear of being rejected”

Worrying whether we will be hurt or disappointed makes sense. Protecting ourselves from risk and danger is likely what keeps us alive. But too much caution limits us and can leave us feeling, as Jeff does, that we are just going through the motions. Surviving but never really living. Sometimes the ways we have developed to keep others at a distance are so ingrained that we aren’t even aware we are putting our own needs aside. Sometimes what we mistake for rational, acceptable even desirable behavior is actually a barrier to feeling closeness.

Most of us employ at least one of the following styles of self-protection. Becoming aware of your patterns is a start towards recognizing and negotiating your needs.

Projector: This person attributes their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs to someone else. When they feel anger or frustration, they quickly make assumptions about the other person. To avoid getting rejected, the projector pushes people away, secretly hoping the others will guess what the projector wants and give it to them. Cost: you are dependent on someone else’s ability to recognize what you need.

Reflector: This person keeps everything inside, going over and over their concerns without confiding in others. This person rarely asks for help because they don’t want to be let down. Cost: often results in physical symptoms of discomfort including migraines, stomach aches and anxiety

Introjector: This person assumes they are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and reactions. This person apologizes frequently. This person is often a peace keeper and a fixer, preferring to quickly smooth over conflicts rather than explore differences. Cost: Over identification with the feelings of others can make it difficult to recognize one’s own true feelings and needs.

Deflector: This person is the master of redirection. This person often talks excessively and makes self-deprecating jokes to take attention away from themselves. This person rarely examines their behavior or feelings and resists feedback from others. This person is likely to only try to get needs met that will require very little conflict and will often redirect any attention they receive to others. Cost: While this person may have lots of acquaintances, relationships are likely to be mostly superficial.

Protective behaviors can be useful. They give us time to assess relationships and flexibility to determine how and when to be more vulnerable. Awareness of what styles we use and when so the choice to keep people at a distance is an intentional one, and one we can resist when we want to create more closeness.

The New Year: A Road Paved with Good Intentions

Posted on January 8, 2016 by tcadmin

One week back to school. The talk in the teachers’ lounge turns to New Year’s Resolutions.

Suzanne: This time I’m really going to do it. No more junk food, and no more extra weight. I’m also resolving not to take so much work home with me every weekend. I have to get a better work/life balance.

Celine: I hear you. I’m hoping for a healthy year too and looking forward to creating some special memories with my son. He is 5 already! I have set an intention to make healthy choices and slow down when I’m with my son.

Suzanne: I do this every year. But this time it’s going to be different. I want to lose 20 pounds and work out three or four times a week so I can be the size I was when we first got married. I have a high school reunion this year and I want to be able to hold my own with my classmates.

Suzanne has set some firm resolutions for herself. She has identified what she wants to change and has a plan for how she’ll make it happen. Celine, at first glance, doesn’t seem to be as focused. So who’s more likely to see the changes she hopes for in the new year?

Let’s take a closer look at what’s happening. Suzanne is focused on what she sees as problems she wants to fix. She knows a lot about what she doesn’t want and some idea of where she hopes to be – 20 pounds lighter and perhaps not grading papers on the weekend. So she’s holding two sets of information in her head at one time, what she wants to leave behind and where she hopes to be, or, what exists in the past and what might exist in the future. Celine also has a vision for what she hopes for in the coming year. Because she hasn’t started from a place of fixing a problem her attention is focused on the change she hopes to experience.

So who’s more likely to be successful? Suzanne has a specific number of pounds she wants to shed, so she can easily measure when she’s a quarter of the way there, a half, etc. Celine’s goal to be healthier in the coming year seems to lack a measurable outcome. What constitutes greater health? How will she know she’s on track?

Imagine we’re back in the lounge a couple months later. Suzanne is picking the cheese off a piece of pizza some parent has provided for the staff.

Suzanne: I know I shouldn’t have this. In fact, I don’t know who I think I’m kidding, I’m going to eat the crust anyway. I am so bad at dieting! I lost 7 pounds in January, but I put them all right back and then some! It’s all the stress of this job. It just gets to me. How about your ‘intentions’? How do you work on those with all these tests to mark?

Celine: It really is tough. I hate when I have papers to grade at night. My son and I have a little game we’ve been playing lately when I bring work home. He puts on my old reading glasses, gets out his coloring book and starts circling the words and letters. Then he writes A++++ and laughs and laughs!! It helps make the work seem less intrusive. I also tend to eat a little more during exam season. I’ve been trying out new healthy recipes, though and the family seems to approve.

The challenge Suzanne is having is that she is not trying so much to BE something, rather she is trying NOT to be what she currently is. All of her attention is focused on what she doesn’t want. Our actions tend to move in the direction of our focus. Think of the Pink Elephant experiment. If I tell you that for the next three minutes you must NOT think of a Pink Elephant, that pachyderm is going to creep right into your thoughts – if even to note that you are most definitely not thinking of it.

Celine’s intentions allow her to imagine and hope for changes. Her energy is future focused and the desire is present for her in her daily routines including preparing meals. She hasn’t stopped taking work home, but her intent to make memories with her son has shaped how she meets that demand.

What is likely to happen in December? Suzanne may or may not have been able to shed the pounds. If she has lost anything less than the 20 she resolved to lose, she is likely to count this as a failure. She may feel resentful of the work she is still bringing home, possibly increasing how out of balance her work and life feel. If she stays mindful of her intention, Celine will make moment to moment choices throughout the year that are directly related to the change she wants to see. As she sits to write her lesson plans, she is aware of her intent to create memories with her son and actively looks for ways to attend to him and incorporate him into what she’s doing. Her intention becomes a force of energy rather than a chore or obstacle and is likely to lead to a more sustainable change long term.

So what intentions do you plan to set for the coming year?

Enough is Enough: The Dangers of Perfectionism

Posted on December 11, 2015 by tcadmin

He wasn’t really sure what to make of my comment. To my client, the notion was ridiculous at best and most likely impossible. “What if the very fact that you exist means you are worthy?” I had asked. “What would your life be like if you were enough right now?”

He humored me at first, I think assuming this was the touchy-feely stuff of therapy. But I pushed him. “No, really. What would a day be like for you if everything you did that day was neither good, nor bad -just enough?”

“Well, I’d sure be a lot happier,” he said. “And I’d probably get a lot more done.” J is a perfectionist. He is also depressed. The expectations he has of himself are extraordinarily high. And the fear of not living up to those expectations has frequently rendered him unable to act at all.

Perfectionism is often mistakenly praised as a characteristic of highly successful achievers. But the all-or-nothing thinking and heavy focus on perfect results is quite self-destructive. ‘Perfect’ doesn’t exist. It can’t be achieved and those who seek it are never fully satisfied as they continuously evaluate and reevaluate their progress for what more could be improved.

This fear of failure or at least of mediocrity creates a feedback loop that encourages more anxiety. J. is asked to write a summary report for his supervisor. He becomes tense as he worries about it being perfect so he spends hours on it, editing and refining it. He is convinced the extra time he is spending is improving the quality of the report so some of his tension is released which encourages him to continue the pattern of becoming anxious and deliberating over the work.

Sometimes he releases the tension of the worry by avoiding the report all together. He then begins a lot of negative self-talk and judges himself for not being motivated, and sinks further into his depression. J. has not yet come to believe that some of his greatest growth will come from his mistakes. It’s likely that mistakes were not tolerated when he was younger, and certainly not celebrated as learning opportunities.

If you find yourself paralyzed by your own perfectionist predilections, a change in perspective may be in order. First, review some of your most brilliant failures. Can you remember a time when you learned something from a mistake or bad decision? Make a list to refer to the next time you worry whether you will get something ‘right’. Mistakes tell us that we took a risk and pushed ourselves towards growth.

Next, practice non-judgement-of yourself, of experiences, of others. Notice when you attach a value statement to an achievement, even if it’s positive. Rushing to label an experience as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ cheats you of the time to appreciate the full moment. That sandwich you just ate was more than “awesome”, it was spicy, the bread was soft, it reminded you of the time you had a picnic with your younger brother. That lesson plan you delivered wasn’t “terrible”, it didn’t fit the needs of the class you had that morning. When you accept yourself and others as human, messy, flawed and imperfect, you are likely to see your anxiety lessen and may even experience more genuine relationships with others.

Finally, pay attention to your self-care. When you are not eating or sleeping well or are feeling otherwise depleted you are likely to be more rigid and less tolerant of your anxiety and less accepting of your mistakes.

Committing to Curiosity

Posted on October 16, 2015 by tcadmin

In this month’s exploration of adaptability, we’ve established that the ability to become and remain curious helps us embrace change and prepare us for new opportunities. Curiosity has also been shown to contribute to higher academic achievement and greater work performance. It helps us create more satisfying and authentic relationships with others and can help us be better teachers, parents, and partners.

It may be hard to believe something seemingly so simple could have such an impact. But think about the early days in a romance, when everything was new and exciting, or the sense of excitement you once had with a new notebook and pencil at the start of a new school year. Our brains are wired to seek out novel experiences and can continue to change over a lifetime.

So how do we invite more curiosity? Seems like a funny question but think about a challenging relationship you have with someone, maybe a student you haven’t been able to reach or a family member you’ve kept your distance from over the years. Often we trade in curiosity for the need to be right or to avoid further conflict. As a result, closeness to those around us suffers.

Committing to curiosity requires a willingness to put aside judgement and to sometimes go without an answer in favor of finding more questions. Here are some tips for inviting more curiosity into your life:

Look for surprises. Take a different route home from work or school. Take a different seat on the bus or in a meeting. Try something new off the menu. Each small experience opens up the chance for some new discovery.

Banish boredom. Boredom is a curiosity killer. Once we’ve given in to boredom it can be hard to find a spark again. One woman I know took a repetitive and not very challenging part time job for extra money. To keep herself challenged she decided that she would learn to perform every task at her position with her left (non-dominant) hand. She said it took a while at the beginning but she enjoyed trying to relearn how to open locks and turn doorknobs and soon found she was able to work more quickly and efficiently than her single hand using colleagues.

Take a vacation from having the answers. The fear of being wrong or seeming not to know something often shuts us down to new solutions. When children or friends come to you for a solution, before rushing to respond, try answering with “I’m really not sure. Tell me what you’re thinking so far.” You’re more likely to get better solutions with more minds involved in the process.

Hop the fence in an argument. Are you stuck in gridlock with a child or a partner? Try arguing from each other’s position. Tell your child all the reasons it makes sense not to clean his room and invite him to convince you why a clear floor is necessary. Hang in there past the initial giggles and you’ll have to learn a little more about how your partner sees the world.

Reserve judgment. Judgments, even positive ones, create a roadblock to curiosity. Once you’ve determined something is ‘bad’ or even ‘perfect’, it’s difficult to look past the decree to see things in a new light.

Maybe curiosity is how the cat got those nine lives in the first place.

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