Tag Archives: communication

That Time Trump Ran for Student Council

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The students filed into the cafeteria to hear the candidates’ speeches.  In an hour they would be casting their votes for student council president.  The two opponents took the stage.  The outgoing president gave the instructions:

“You each have two minutes to state your platform.  Let us know what makes you an ideal candidate for the job.  Afterwards you will each take up to three questions from the audience.  Candidate One, your time starts now.”

CANDIDATE 1: “Well, you all know my IQ is one of the highest.  Please don’t feel stupid, it’s not your fault. Our student leaders are stupid. I have to say, if I were in charge of the nominations, I’d have looked right into that fat, ugly face of my opponent and said ‘you’re fired’.  I mean, would any of you vote for that? Can you imagine that face as our next student council president?”

“Uh, that’s time, Candidate 1. I’m going to stop you right there.  Candidate 2, can you please address the student body with what you hope to offer our school with your leadership?”

CANDIDATE 2: “Thank you, Madame President. Before I do that I’d like to address my opponent’s claims.  I am really shocked to see such a massive hairdo.  Did you all notice it today? It is massive. But I digress.  Clearly we have a problem with school resources.  I believe we can solve this by requiring all low-income students to wear badges so that we don’t inadvertently give them supplies meant for our gifted program.  At least until we can sort all of this budget shortage stuff out.”

Note: No actual high school students were harmed in the creation of this piece. These are, however, direct quotes from some of this year’s presidential hopeful candidates.  It is sometimes hard to imagine why candidates would find this kind of bullying to be an effective way of exciting the electorate.

Strong rhetoric, like that currently making up the debates, stimulates the part of our brains that respond to fear and passion, the limbic system.  When the limbic system is activated it hijacks the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the cortex and slows our ability to use reason and judgment.

As we come to equate this kind of bullying with strong leadership, we can consider where else in our lives we are likely to substitute passion for the critical thinking skills we know are necessary for learning and growth to occur.  Consider the supervisor who ‘sets an example’ by punishing a staff person’s error; the teacher who shames misbehaving students and the relationship that is drama filled and exciting, but lacks deeper intimacy.

In the months since the campaign season began we have seen increased intolerance for diversity and strong divisions along candidate and party lines as people dig in their heels to defend their own ideas.  The very concept of dialogue is seen as spineless and weak – candidates who suggest compromise find themselves quickly out of the running.

In our November 23rd posting we discussed the concept of Constructive Differencing, wherein our differences become a tool for expanding our sense of self and of the world.  When our leaders encourage us to embrace differences and challenge us towards greater understanding of one another, we become more flexible, agile and able to adapt to change.  If we allow fear and aggression to drive our decision making, we may just end up with the leaders, schools and relationships we deserve.

 

Gated Responses

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Imagine a large gated yard.  To those on the inside, the gate represents security and perhaps a sense of belonging. To those on the outside, the gate sends a message ‘you are not welcome’, you are not part of this area. The way we initiate and respond to conversation is similar.  Words can be used to draw a fence around an individual or small group of people to the exclusion of others. Studies of relational bullying document well how some students can isolate others through exclusionary conversation.

At the individual level, a “Gated Response” is one that fails to acknowledge the emotion or need behind the sender’s question or invitation. Take this example of a conversation between a parent and child:

Sam: “We had a pop quiz in science today.”
Dad: “Oh boy, you really need a good grade, I sure hope you passed.”

Focused on his own frustration, Sam’s dad has missed the invitation into what Sam finds interesting.  He closes himself off and it’s likely Sam will turn away in response.

In groups, gated responses may be purposeful or unintentional. They can come from being unaware of biases or of the needs and desires of those outside of the more intimate group.  It’s easy to imagine how this might occur in a classroom.  One or two students are more engaging than others.  Over time, it becomes habit for both teacher and classmates to defer to these students to answer questions and indicate that the class is ready to move on to new material. One of these students brings up a question and the teacher, excited to have someone responding, deepens the conversation with the student hoping, perhaps, that others will naturally become curious and join in.

Gated responses can result in a small handful of people controlling the energy of a group. If the teacher fails to attend to what is happening for other students in the room, less engaged students will either further detach from the discussion or find ways of getting their energy into the exchange, not always in ways that contribute to shared learning.

Gated responses maintain the alliances that are part of the larger culture of the group or organization.  Consider this exchange overheard in a teacher’s lounge. The state has just awarded the district funds to carry out a new teaching initiative. Teachers are divided over the idea with some feeling excited at the new ideas and others feeling skeptical about more demands on their time. Notice how quickly the responses serve to keep the sides separate.

Michael: Here we go again, more mandates with no money behind them.  I give it two months.
Sandra: I don’t know, I like the experiential pieces.  I think my kids would really like this.
Michael: You’ll see.  Hey Yvette, remember the composting grant? I’m still finding worm casings in my classroom!
Yvette: Oh yes.  (To Sandra) You’ll get over your enthusiasm after you’ve been here a while. (To Michael) What about the recycling plan, the one where we were banned from using Styrofoam cups and plastic spoons at any events?!

Notice how Michael’s response skips over Sandra’s comment and draws Yvette into a conversation Sandra cannot participate in. Yvette supports the gate as she minimizes Sandra’s enthusiasm and redirects the conversation to past events that did not include Sandra. If conversations continue in this manner it’s likely the division between new and experienced staff will continue.

So what can you do to open the gates in your relationships?

  • Recognize when you are feeling protective and work to understand why.
  • Share reactions to what you observe happening in groups and what impact it has on you.
  • Ask for feedback from others around you.
  • Seek to understand another perspective.

Eliminating gated responses requires a willingness to be curious and to make oneself vulnerable.  The reward is an environment where people form meaningful relationships that can sustain disagreements and use differences as opportunities for challenge and growth.

 

 

 

The Arc of an Argument: Building closeness through conflict

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Couples struggling to communicate better or improve intimacy in their relationship may look to language arts class for help.

Healthy relationships depend on couples being able to negotiate with each other to meet their needs. Gestalt therapy describe this process as the contact cycle and it can be compared to the arc of a story.  The contact cycleCapture begins with awareness of a desire or need, a progression to acting on the desire, contact with the environment and then withdrawal and assessment of the process. Many of us rush through this final stage and move on to the next desire or need without taking time to fully process the experience we have just had. Without time to assess and process, we are prone to remaining stuck in unhealthy or unproductive patterns.

Consider a common challenge, snacking or mindless eating. We become aware of some sensation that we interpret as hunger or desire for food (often we rush through this stage as well, eating sometimes before determining whether it is actually nutrition we need or some other comfort.) Aware of the sensation of hunger we conceptualize what will satisfy the need and mobilize our energy to call for pizza delivery or making a sandwich. Contact is made when we eat the food.

To fully complete the cycle requires an assessment of how we knew we were hungry, how we made the decision to eat what and how much we did, how we determined we were full and how we feel after having digested our meal. Eating disorders and unhealthy habits represent limited awareness of the process.

The same reflection process can be applied to interactions in our relationships with others. Couples who find themselves in counseling are often trapped in a pattern of relating to one another without awareness of how they may be perpetuating the very distancing they hope to end. Couples who remain focused on the content of an argument without paying attention to the ‘how’ of their arguments will find themselves having the same fight again and again.

A helpful tool for couples wishing to better understand their relationship and to build intimacy is to build in time after an argument to discuss what the fight was like. This takes practice and may take outside help. The goal is not to rehash the details of who put the dishes away and when, but to ask each other “What was it like for you to have that argument with me?” It is also best to let emotions settle before processing. One couple I know uses evening dog walks as a time to review how well they were able to fight.

The following checklist can help direct your attention to the ‘how’ of

  • How did I feel when we started our discussion?
  • What wishes and fears did I have about the conversation?
  • How well did I communicate my needs to the other person?
  • What do I remember about physical sensations (muscle tension, churning stomach, etc.) and what am I aware of now?
  • What did my partner do that helped me feel heard?
  • What do I know about how I helped my partner feel heard?
  • What old wounds or habits am I aware of that were activated during our fight?
  • What will I do differently next time?

 

 

Anxiety in the Classroom

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CaptureTake a moment, right now, and pay attention to what’s going on around you.  How are you seated in your chair?  Is there tension in your neck, shoulders, jaw? Is it noisy where you are?  Do you feel rushed to finish this article and get on to your next task?  Close your eyes for a moment and take a few deep breaths. What do you notice now?  Did anything change in your posture?  How about your heart rate?  Maybe nothing is different.  Notice that too and notice how you feel about that.

That reflecting you just did was possible courtesy of your pre-frontal cortex.  That’s the part of the brain that allows you to regulate your emotional responses and override any automatic behaviors or habits.    It is central to self-regulation and empathy.  And it doesn’t fully develop until the mid to late 20s.

When we experience something threatening, the fight or flight response is immediately triggered and the part of your brain that deals with emotions hijacks the thinking part of your brain.  The prefrontal cortex, when activated, can serve as the ‘brakes’ to this response, lowering the alert signals and allowing you to assess the situation with more reason.

Children, however, do not have a fully developed prefrontal cortex to help them easily regulate high emotions.  What might not seem to the rational, adult mind to be more than an annoyance, is perceived in the child brain as a threat.  Fear triggers the release of stress hormones and if the child is unable to regulate the response, anxiety and then panic may set in.

Anxiety, in and of itself, is not an affliction.  Anxiety helps us to be alerted to our surroundings.  It can propel us to action and improve our performance. Anxiety is a signal to us that there is an imbalance between what we feel and what we think or know.  Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future represent a skew towards overthinking.  Becoming overwhelmed by emotions represents the other end of the pole.

What to Look for and How to Address Anxiety in the Classroom

In order to help children manage their anxieties we need to first recognize some indicators that a child may be experiencing high levels of stress. Anxious children may verbally express worries about grades, friends, physical activities etc.  Preoccupation with getting the right answer or completing tasks perfectly are also indicators of anxiety.  Restlessness, difficulty focusing or withdrawal may also be observed in the anxious child. These symptoms can often be mistaken for attention deficit disorder (ADHD) prematurely.

All children, whether they experience high levels of anxiety or not, can benefit from breathing and relaxation exercises to help them become more aware of body sensations and emotions.  Here are some easy to implement strategies to combat classroom anxiety:

  1. Use language children can understand to describe what they might be feeling. Instead of anxiety, try words like ‘worry’, ‘afraid’, ‘pressure’.
  2. Incorporate breathing, stretching and relaxing exercises into the daily schedule. Before beginning a new subject, ask children to pay attention to their breathing, see if they can fill a ‘belly balloon’ with a longer, slow breath and then blow it out as if they are blowing out the candles on a birthday cake.   Invite children to comment on what they notice this changes in their bodies.  Invite children to tense and then relax their muscles to help them recognize the difference.
  3. Teach children to celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn. Neil deGrasse Tyson recently lost a popular radio quiz show game on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”.  When the host asked if he was embarrassed to have gotten two out of the three questions wrong he said “If I had gotten all three right, I wouldn’t have learned anything.  Today I got to learn two new things.”
  4. Allow time for students to reflect on mistakes and successes so that reflection is a part of the learning process and not only as a consequence or punishment. Ask children to regularly name what they did that worked for them and what they will improve on next time.

Finally, we can’t teach what we don’t know.  Learning more about how anxiety impacts you and how to manage your own symptoms will better prepare you to recognize and respond to children’s behaviors as they occur in your class.  You can learn more about anxiety and how to manage it in our video courses at TeacherCoach.com.

Are You “Matronizing” Your Students?

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CaptureMy son was complaining about his teacher the other day and said “She’s always patronizing me!” I guess those vocabulary study sheets really do work. When I pressed my child further to describe his experience with his teacher, he confirmed that she often speaks to him as though he doesn’t know anything, she doesn’t give him time to figure a thing out before providing an answer and generally has a lot of advice for him about how he should be doing things.  Mind you, I was a bit glad to let the teacher take this heat for a while as these are often complaints lodged at me as well.

My first instinct was to come to the teacher’s defense while still somehow making my child feel better.  “Oh honey, she probably just wants to make sure you understand so you’ll do well in the class.  I’ll talk to her tomorrow and let her know you were upset.”

By this time my child was long gone.  He had tuned me out completely and I might as well have been talking to the fish tank.  In trying to smooth over his experience of frustration had I, in fact, “matronized” him?

The teacher and I had both missed the chance to related to my child through his own experiences, instead we were driven by our own desires to advise (in her case) or comfort (in mine).  And in these efforts, we unwittingly created distance between ourselves and my child.    Research suggests that we learn best when we feel validated and supported enough to take risks and engage in challenging activities.  We are best able to feel that support through relating to others, through feeling heard and seen.

Imagine a long pole.  At one end is patronizing behavior – behavior that puts the student down, establishes teacher as expert, student as less than.  At the other might be ‘matronizing’, behavior that enables helplessness, that coddles and prevents the child from learning to tolerate difficult feelings.  This behavior can result in the child feeling helpless or can diminish the child’s ability to take personal responsibility for his thoughts, feelings and actions.  Somewhere in the middle is behavior that acknowledges the child’s experience without solving, that says “I hear you. That’s tough.  What might you want to do about that?”

To use classroom experiences, direct instruction might be at the patronizing end of the continuum.  Teacher and students are handed down information which is not to be questioned or altered.  The script, the worksheet, and therefore, the teacher are ‘right’, and by default, any student not meeting the expectations is wrong.  At the other end of the spectrum one might argue that invented spelling and participation trophies send the message that the student is always ‘right’, that there is little need for self-evaluation and improvement. Neither end empowers the student to become more aware of his own strengths and areas for growth.

So do you ‘matronize’ your students?  If you say yes to 3 or more of these questions, you might be compromising a closer relationship with your students and providing them less of a chance to become independent, capable learners.

  1. I never let a student know if I am displeased with their work.
  2. I make certain every student gets a sticker or a star every day. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out.
  3. I am quick to redirect a student’s frustration or anger.
  4. I am uncomfortable if a student expresses sadness during class.
  5. When a student says “I’m stupid”, I’m quick to say ‘No you’re not!’.

Key to quiz answers:

  1. Children can learn to make changes to study habits and behavior when a teacher is clear about what is acceptable and what is not, especially when the criticism is not directed at the student’s character or sense of self.
  2. Universal approval may make students feel better in the short run, but can make it difficult for the student to understand where they need to improve. Approval appears to be subjective and based on the teacher’s grace, perhaps outside of the student’s ability to obtain.
  3. Frustration and anger are often indicators that a student has reached an area for growth. When taught to tolerate frustration, a student can learn to push through difficulties and master new skills.
  4. Sadness is another emotion that students must learn to tolerate. If they are too quickly soothed or redirected, each new disappointment can feel just as difficult to bear.
  5. Honoring a child’s experience can help them to gain more perspective. When a child says “I’m stupid”, offering “Something feels difficult to you right now and you’re feeling bad about yourself for struggling with it” allows the student to notice their thought patterns and consider alternatives.

That Time Trump Ran for Student Council

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sm_rooster_freeThe students filed into the cafeteria to hear the candidates’ speeches.  In an hour they would be casting their votes for student council president.  The two opponents took the stage.  The outgoing president gave the instructions:

“You each have two minutes to state your platform.  Let us know what makes you an ideal candidate for the job.  Afterwards you will each take up to three questions from the audience.  Candidate One, your time starts now.”

CANDIDATE 1: “Well, you all know my IQ is one of the highest.  Please don’t feel stupid, it’s not your fault. Our student leaders are stupid. I have to say, if I were in charge of the nominations, I’d have looked right into that fat, ugly face of my opponent and said ‘you’re fired’.  I mean, would any of you vote for that? Can you imagine that face as our next student council president?”

“Uh, that’s time, Candidate 1. I’m going to stop you right there.  Candidate 2, can you please address the student body with what you hope to offer our school with your leadership?”

CANDIDATE 2: “Thank you, Madame President. Before I do that I’d like to address my opponent’s claims.  I am really shocked to see such a massive hairdo.  Did you all notice it today? It is massive. But I digress.  Clearly we have a problem with school resources.  I believe we can solve this by requiring all low-income students to wear badges so that we don’t inadvertently give them supplies meant for our gifted program.  At least until we can sort all of this budget shortage stuff out.”

Note: No actual high school students were harmed in the creation of this piece. These are, however, direct quotes from some of this year’s presidential hopeful candidates.  It is sometimes hard to imagine why candidates would find this kind of bullying to be an effective way of exciting the electorate.

Strong rhetoric, like that currently making up the debates, stimulates the part of our brains that respond to fear and passion, the limbic system.  When the limbic system is activated it hijacks the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the cortex and slows our ability to use reason and judgment.

As we come to equate this kind of bullying with strong leadership, we can consider where else in our lives we are likely to substitute passion for the critical thinking skills we know are necessary for learning and growth to occur.  Consider the supervisor who ‘sets an example’ by punishing a staff person’s error; the teacher who shames misbehaving students and the relationship that is drama filled and exciting, but lacks deeper intimacy.

In the months since the campaign season began we have seen increased intolerance for diversity and strong divisions along candidate and party lines as people dig in their heels to defend their own ideas.  The very concept of dialogue is seen as spineless and weak – candidates who suggest compromise find themselves quickly out of the running.

In our November 23rd posting we discussed the concept of Constructive Differencing, wherein our differences become a tool for expanding our sense of self and of the world.  When our leaders encourage us to embrace differences and challenge us towards greater understanding of one another, we become more flexible, agile and able to adapt to change.  If we allow fear and aggression to drive our decision making, we may just end up with the leaders, schools and relationships we deserve.

 

The Most Important Skill Missing from Education: Constructive Differencing

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CaptureConstructive differencing, a concept put forth by Dr. Jared Scherz, encourages the creation of a learning environment that embraces differences. Differences become the fertile ground for expanding our self of self, others, and the world. Constructive differencing helps to grow empathy and produces greater intimacy in our lives.

Constructive differencing is based on a premise that people will have divergent beliefs, values, thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc… that we can use to get to know them and ourselves better. Children are not often asked for their opinions making it difficult for them to respect or even embrace what they don’t resonate with. We are often taught that our ability to be accepted and valued depends on our ability to agree with people.  Many of us were raised to see respect in terms of follow directions, doing what’s expected and not questioning authority.

The danger in believing that there is only one way to think about something is that it can set one up to have little interest in or tolerance for new information.  Rigid thinking limits our problem solving skills and inhibits relationship building across differences. The less flexibly we are in our thinking/ perceiving, the more likely we are to approach conflict as a prelude to aggression. Conversely, the more flexible we are in thinking/ perceiving, the less intimidated we are by differences.

We can accomplish this flexible posture more easily through greater awareness of our own insecurities and frailties, which can inhibit our receptivity and distort our perceptions. If Mrs. Smith for instance, doesn’t recognize that she is insecure about her aging process (drying skin, changing figure, etc…), she may not be as receptive to a skinny young female student who talks about being fat.

Curiosity about how children formulate an opinion, come to conclusions, or how they see the world, can help teachers reach students where they are. This is most difficult when students have views that are diametrically opposed to our own. If Mr. Bell’s fourth grade student announces to his class that all Muslims are evil, Mr. Bell may feel a strong impulse to correct his student. Doing so without trying to understand how this child came to embody such a strong belief, risks pushing the student even further toward an extreme polarity.

Teachers can model for children how to consider multiple perspectives and dialogue about them in a way that invites closeness as opposed to tension. Curiosity is the key and a replacement to the antiquate right and wrong perspective that leads to polarization. Curiosity helps navigate peaceful conflict, because we can’t find a solutions, common ground, or even have a safe/ productive negotiation without each person knowing their beliefs matter. Helping individuals to stay connected, even when they disagree is the single most difficult challenge of teaching students and one that can be helped with an appreciation for curiosity.

Adults working (or living) with children are often tempted to jump in and resolve conflicts and disagreements between children. We solve or advise in a way that takes away the power from students to resolve the problem themselves.  We offer solutions before we fully understand how or why a child has developed the behavior or belief he/she has.

Curiosity about the life of the student in the South Carolina classroom who was defiant and forcibly removed by a community resource officer might have revealed her need for additional services.  Had the administration asked of the other students “How can we solve this problem in a way that doesn’t cause harm to anyone or anything? How can we each get what we want?”, they would have modeled empathy and empowered the students to be a part of creating a learning environment in which they feel engaged.

Committing to Curiosity

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CaptureIn this month’s exploration of adaptability, we’ve established that the ability to become and remain curious helps us embrace change and prepare us for new opportunities.  Curiosity has also been shown to contribute to higher academic achievement and greater work performance. It helps us create more satisfying and authentic relationships with others and can help us be better teachers, parents, and partners.

It may be hard to believe something seemingly so simple could have such an impact. But think about the early days in a romance, when everything was new and exciting, or the sense of excitement you once had with a new notebook and pencil at the start of a new school year.  Our brains are wired to seek out novel experiences and can continue to change over a lifetime.

So how do we invite more curiosity?  Seems like a funny question but think about a challenging relationship you have with someone, maybe a student you haven’t been able to reach or a family member you’ve kept your distance from over the years.  Often we trade in curiosity for the need to be right or to avoid further conflict.  As a result, closeness to those around us suffers.

Committing to curiosity requires a willingness to put aside judgement and to sometimes go without an answer in favor of finding more questions.  Here are some tips for inviting more curiosity into your life:

Look for surprises. Take a different route home from work or school.  Take a different seat on the bus or in a meeting.  Try something new off the menu.  Each small experience opens up the chance for some new discovery.

Banish boredom. Boredom is a curiosity killer.  Once we’ve given in to boredom it can be hard to find a spark again.  One woman I know took a repetitive and not very challenging part time job for extra money.  To keep herself challenged she decided that she would learn to perform every task at her position with her left (non-dominant) hand. She said it took a while at the beginning but she enjoyed trying to relearn how to open locks and turn doorknobs and soon found she was able to work more quickly and efficiently than her single hand using colleagues.

Take a vacation from having the answers. The fear of being wrong or seeming not to know something often shuts us down to new solutions.  When children or friends come to you for a solution, before rushing to respond, try answering with “I’m really not sure. Tell me what you’re thinking so far.” You’re more likely to get better solutions with more minds involved in the process.

Hop the fence in an argument. Are you stuck in gridlock with a child or a partner?  Try arguing from each other’s position.  Tell your child all the reasons it makes sense not to clean his room and invite him to convince you why a clear floor is necessary.  Hang in there past the initial giggles and you’ll have to learn a little more about how your partner sees the world.

Reserve judgment.  Judgments, even positive ones, create a roadblock to curiosity.  Once you’ve determined something is ‘bad’ or even ‘perfect’, it’s difficult to look past the decree to see things in a new light.

Maybe curiosity is how the cat got those nine lives in the first place.

Fighting Fair

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I was complaining to a friend once about a fight I was having with my partner. “He knows I’m right but he’s too stubborn to admit it!” I lamented.  She asked me if I wanted to be right, or if I wanted to be in the relationship.  Being in a couple requires negotiation and compromise.  My focus on winning, on being right, was pushing us farther apart.  Our fights never seemed to come to any resolution and, despite our ‘agreeing to disagree’, would surface again the next round.

When we fought, I don’t believe either of us had the goal of resolving anything.  As I look back, I realize our fights were about letting off steam, venting emotions that were not being shared.  Sometimes, I believe I picked fights just to get my partner to engage with me and so I could yell some of the things we never seemed to be able to discuss. That was not fair to him and not fair to the relationship. Capture

Fighting fair means exploring the differences, being curious about the other’s experience and applying this understanding to solutions that work for you both.  Our three-part series on fighting fair can help you get past the explosions of emotion and towards resolving issues that have interrupted the closeness of your relationship. These are some of the tips that fair fighters use:

  1. Know and speak from your feelings. Anger is usually a surface level emotion, a way of expressing a deeper need or want.  Ask yourself what it is that you need from your partner.
  1. Give a little, take a little. Negotiation and compromise are essential in a good marriage.  Be prepared to adjust your expectations as you work towards a solution together.
  1. There’s a time and place for everything. Fair fights are mutually agreed upon and occur when both partners feel they are best able to engage. Don’t be afraid to ask for a time out if things get too heated, but be certain to circle back at an agreed upon time.
  1. Stay curious. The goal of a fair fight is for each of you to learn more about the other and how you relate to one another.  Ask for feedback from your partner.  “Am I making sense?” “How is this to hear?” and accept constructive criticism that tells you more about your partner’s perspective.

For more help with fighting fair in your relationship, log into our courses here.

Need Anything?

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Take a moment and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Are you thirsty? Maybe your foot has fallen asleep. CaptureMaybe you’ve been staring at your computer screen all day and you need a walk (go ahead, I’ll wait.).

Paying attention to more than the most immediate of basic needs is often not something we have been taught or encouraged to do.  In fact, placing the needs of others before our own is often seen as admirable and to tell others of what we need might be judged as being selfish.  But remember the airline attendant’s speech at take-off.  Before helping others, we are instructed, be sure to secure your mask and start the flow of oxygen.

Most of us can probably think of at least one relationship in which we ignored or brushed off something we needed from our partner.  At first this might have seemed like a way to let our partner know he/she was important, or to show interest.  But over time resentment starts to build. We might even dig in our heels and refuse to take care of our partner’s needs as well. Eventually we will have grown apart. And if we don’t spend the time identifying our needs, we’re likely to repeat the entire process again.

So how do you learn to recognize your needs?  It starts with awareness.  Some needs are easy to identify because our body sends us strong signals like a dry mouth to alert us to a need for water.  Our emotions can also be clues to help us discover our needs.  When we are uncomfortable or unhappy, something is missing.  In these moments it can be helpful to ask “How this experience is different from what I expected?  What did I need in this instance that I did not get?”

Identifying needs is a process.  It requires an openness to exploring feelings and to accepting what we might discover.  For more help in recognizing and expressing your needs, log in to our courses on Basic Human Needs.