Thinking Styles That Can Leave You Feeling Mad as a Hatter

In honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday this week, we will draw our inspiration from a much-loved children’s book Alice in Wonderland.

Alice is chatting with the Mock Turtle and Gryphon when they ask her to tell them about her past.  So much has happened to poor Alice in the past 24 hours that she says to her friends:

 ‘It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.’

What a liberating notion, that what is possible today could be completely unexpected and different from all the adventures that came before it.  So often we become locked into patterns of relating to others based on our previous experiences. We’ve been hurt before so we protect ourselves through predictions and conclusions we draw based on yesterday’s stories. And we rarely take the time to check out whether our predictions are correct or if there might be another possible outcome.

CaptureHere are 10 common thinking styles that can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety and a feeling of being ‘stuck’ in our relationships and personal lives:

  1. All or Nothing Thinking: This is sometimes called black and white thinking and leads to the belief that something is only ever right or wrong.
  2. Negative Filter: Giving weight only to negative information or information that supports our negative assumptions
  3. Jumping to Conclusions: Believing that we know what others are thinking (Mindreading) or that we know what will happen (Fortune Telling)
  4. Emotional Reasoning: Assigning incorrect meaning to feelings “I’m embarrassed so I must be stupid”
  5. Labeling: Assigning labels to others and to ourselves
  6. Over-Generalizing: “People are always selfish”, “Nothing ever works out for me”
  7. Minimizing the Positive: Making excuses that diminish your accomplishments
  8. Catastrophizing: Blowing things out of proportion and imagining the worst possible outcome
  9. “Shoulding”: Using critical words like ‘should’, ‘must’, and ‘ought’ about ourselves can leave us feeling guilty and as if we’ve already failed. Using them about others can leave us frustrated when they fail to meet our expectations.
  10. Personalization: Taking responsibility for things that are not completely your fault or blaming others for something for which you bear some responsibility.

If you’d like your own “Through the Looking Glass” experience, consider choosing one of these patterns you recognize in yourself and spend an entire day challenging yourself to both notice when you are using the pattern and trying to do it’s opposite. For example, what might happen if, for each time you notice something negative in the day, you seek out something you can also appreciate?

Who knows what you might uncover? As Alice says:

“I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.”

 

Enough is Enough: The Dangers of Perfectionism

CaptureHe wasn’t really sure what to make of my comment.  To my client, the notion was ridiculous at best and most likely impossible.  “What if the very fact that you exist means you are worthy?” I had asked.  “What would your life be like if you were enough right now?”

He humored me at first, I think assuming this was the touchy-feely stuff of therapy.  But I pushed him. “No, really.  What would a day be like for you if everything you did that day was neither good, nor bad -just enough?”

“Well, I’d sure be a lot happier,” he said. “And I’d probably get a lot more done.” J is a perfectionist. He is also depressed. The expectations he has of himself are extraordinarily high. And the fear of not living up to those expectations has frequently rendered him unable to act at all.

Perfectionism is often mistakenly praised as a characteristic of highly successful achievers. But the all-or-nothing thinking and heavy focus on perfect results is quite self-destructive.  ‘Perfect’ doesn’t exist.  It can’t be achieved and those who seek it are never fully satisfied as they continuously evaluate and reevaluate their progress for what more could be improved.

This fear of failure or at least of mediocrity creates a feedback loop that encourages more anxiety.  J. is asked to write a summary report for his supervisor.  He becomes tense as he worries about it being perfect so he spends hours on it, editing and refining it.  He is convinced the extra time he is spending is improving the quality of the report so some of his tension is released which encourages him to continue the pattern of becoming anxious and deliberating over the work.

Sometimes he releases the tension of the worry by avoiding the report all together.  He then begins a lot of negative self-talk and judges himself for not being motivated, and sinks further into his depression.  J. has not yet come to believe that some of his greatest growth will come from his mistakes.  It’s likely that mistakes were not tolerated when he was younger, and certainly not celebrated as learning opportunities.

If you find yourself paralyzed by your own perfectionist predilections,  a change in perspective may be in order. First, review some of your most brilliant failures.  Can you remember a time when you learned something from a mistake or bad decision?  Make a list to refer to the next time you worry whether you will get something ‘right’. Mistakes tell us that we took a risk and pushed ourselves towards growth.

Next, practice non-judgement-of yourself, of experiences, of others.  Notice when you attach a value statement to an achievement, even if it’s positive.  Rushing to label an experience as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ cheats you of the time to appreciate the full moment. That sandwich you just ate was more than “awesome”, it was spicy, the bread was soft, it reminded you of the time you had a picnic with your younger brother. That lesson plan you delivered wasn’t “terrible”, it didn’t fit the needs of the class you had that morning. When you accept yourself and others as human, messy, flawed and imperfect, you are likely to see your anxiety lessen and may even experience more genuine relationships with others.

Finally, pay attention to your self-care.  When you are not eating or sleeping well or are feeling otherwise depleted you are likely to be more rigid and less tolerant of your anxiety and less accepting of your mistakes.

Feed Your Head

Remember the last time you rode a roller coaster?  Or had to speak in front of a large audience? Or found a spider on your arm?  Did you just think about your stomach?  Gut instinct. I feel it in my belly.  I have butterflies in my stomach.  These aren’t just expressions.

Scientists have long known that neurons that are embedded in the alimentary canal, or gut, send messages to our brain.  So rich is this network that it is sometimes referred to as ‘the second brain’ and it is partially responsible for our mental state.

New research on the bacteria that lives in our guts suggests that unhealthy bacteria plays a key role in behavioral and emotional problems including depression, anxiety, ADHD and even autism.  In fact, it is estimated that nearly 95% of the body’s serotonin is manufactured in the gut when it is functioning normally.  Serotonin is the neurotransmitter responsible for transferring messages through the brain. Serotonin levels and the brain’s receptivity to it are believed to be associated with mood and depression.  Our modern diets of excessive sugar, processed foods, refined grains and genetically engineered foods have compromised our gut health, destroying healthy bacteria and increasing the amount of bad yeast and bacteria.

All is not lost, however.  Healthy bacteria can be returned to the gut with some simple changes to diet.  Reducing the amount of processed food and increasing your intake of fermented foods such as kefir, some yogurts, tempeh and sauerkraut or kim chee can re-balance your gut flora. People who do not enjoy the taste of fermented foods may wish to take a pro-biotic supplement available in most health food and grocery stores.  Before grabbing any heavily promoted ‘pro-biotic’ yogurts or drinks, do be sure to check the sugar content or you may be robbing Peter to pay Paul and not getting the most health benefits.

So before resorting to an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, perhaps, in the words of Jefferson Starship, remember what the dormouse said: Feed your head.

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