Tag Archives: students

When the Bully Pulpit Breeds More Bullies

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Capture“I’ll be glad when Trump is president and he sends you people back where you belong!”

The teacher was still red in the face, remembering how shocked and helpless she felt when she heard one of her students shout this at a group of Hispanic students in the lunch room.

A few weeks ago I wondered in a blog post how long it would be before the rhetoric of our leader hopefuls would trickle into the lunchrooms and play yards of our schools.  State policies on bullying focus on what happens inside the school building but bullying thrives because it is part of a larger system, influenced by family, community and national culture.

Teachers and staff often feel helpless to address this level of intolerance when they are aware that students are often repeating beliefs encouraged at home.  “How can I tell them what they are doing is wrong when they go home and hear a parent nodding in support of ‘what’s wrong with America’?”  So often, these kinds of comments go unaddressed or briefly reprimanded and nothing changes in the culture.

Of course, it isn’t only the Hispanic students who will suffer as the result of this comment.  Allowing the statement to go unaddressed sends the message that anyone who is different from the dominant culture of the school is not welcome.  Bullying targets differences, undermines students’ sense of belonging and works against goals for diverse learning environments.

But what of the point that students will hear these messages at home or in the community? One of the jobs of schools is to offer students the chance to experience different ways of thinking and relating to others and to prepare them to live and work with people different from themselves.  Holding up that purpose in the face of intolerance can be intimidating, particularly if a teacher does not have the support of administration to back her up.

What can you do when you hear intolerance at your school?

  1. Interrupt it immediately. Comment on the behavior and the impact it has on you. (Shaming or punishing the speaker is likely to have the reverse effect).  Try “That statement was hurtful and I am sad to see students treated that way in our school.”

 

  1. Stand your ground. Speak calmly but firmly.  Do not allow yourself to get pulled into a debate or discussion in that moment.  It is fine to assert that “This may be acceptable speech at home, but here, we treat each other with respect.”

 

  1. Be a broken record. Having a phrase at the ready can help you feel calm when addressing comments such as this. Decide with your colleagues what the message will be and use it every single time.

 

  1. Look for teachable moments. Interrupting comments immediately is the first step to addressing the culture in your school.  Look for opportunities to deepen students’ understanding and empathy through social emotional learning curricula and lessons.  Teaching Tolerance, out of the Southern Poverty Law Center, is a wonderful resource for teachers looking to support student’s social/emotional learning and cultural awareness.  org

 

You may not be able to change what is taught at home and in the community, but you can create a place where students can experience a different possibility.

Are You “Matronizing” Your Students?

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CaptureMy son was complaining about his teacher the other day and said “She’s always patronizing me!” I guess those vocabulary study sheets really do work. When I pressed my child further to describe his experience with his teacher, he confirmed that she often speaks to him as though he doesn’t know anything, she doesn’t give him time to figure a thing out before providing an answer and generally has a lot of advice for him about how he should be doing things.  Mind you, I was a bit glad to let the teacher take this heat for a while as these are often complaints lodged at me as well.

My first instinct was to come to the teacher’s defense while still somehow making my child feel better.  “Oh honey, she probably just wants to make sure you understand so you’ll do well in the class.  I’ll talk to her tomorrow and let her know you were upset.”

By this time my child was long gone.  He had tuned me out completely and I might as well have been talking to the fish tank.  In trying to smooth over his experience of frustration had I, in fact, “matronized” him?

The teacher and I had both missed the chance to related to my child through his own experiences, instead we were driven by our own desires to advise (in her case) or comfort (in mine).  And in these efforts, we unwittingly created distance between ourselves and my child.    Research suggests that we learn best when we feel validated and supported enough to take risks and engage in challenging activities.  We are best able to feel that support through relating to others, through feeling heard and seen.

Imagine a long pole.  At one end is patronizing behavior – behavior that puts the student down, establishes teacher as expert, student as less than.  At the other might be ‘matronizing’, behavior that enables helplessness, that coddles and prevents the child from learning to tolerate difficult feelings.  This behavior can result in the child feeling helpless or can diminish the child’s ability to take personal responsibility for his thoughts, feelings and actions.  Somewhere in the middle is behavior that acknowledges the child’s experience without solving, that says “I hear you. That’s tough.  What might you want to do about that?”

To use classroom experiences, direct instruction might be at the patronizing end of the continuum.  Teacher and students are handed down information which is not to be questioned or altered.  The script, the worksheet, and therefore, the teacher are ‘right’, and by default, any student not meeting the expectations is wrong.  At the other end of the spectrum one might argue that invented spelling and participation trophies send the message that the student is always ‘right’, that there is little need for self-evaluation and improvement. Neither end empowers the student to become more aware of his own strengths and areas for growth.

So do you ‘matronize’ your students?  If you say yes to 3 or more of these questions, you might be compromising a closer relationship with your students and providing them less of a chance to become independent, capable learners.

  1. I never let a student know if I am displeased with their work.
  2. I make certain every student gets a sticker or a star every day. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out.
  3. I am quick to redirect a student’s frustration or anger.
  4. I am uncomfortable if a student expresses sadness during class.
  5. When a student says “I’m stupid”, I’m quick to say ‘No you’re not!’.

Key to quiz answers:

  1. Children can learn to make changes to study habits and behavior when a teacher is clear about what is acceptable and what is not, especially when the criticism is not directed at the student’s character or sense of self.
  2. Universal approval may make students feel better in the short run, but can make it difficult for the student to understand where they need to improve. Approval appears to be subjective and based on the teacher’s grace, perhaps outside of the student’s ability to obtain.
  3. Frustration and anger are often indicators that a student has reached an area for growth. When taught to tolerate frustration, a student can learn to push through difficulties and master new skills.
  4. Sadness is another emotion that students must learn to tolerate. If they are too quickly soothed or redirected, each new disappointment can feel just as difficult to bear.
  5. Honoring a child’s experience can help them to gain more perspective. When a child says “I’m stupid”, offering “Something feels difficult to you right now and you’re feeling bad about yourself for struggling with it” allows the student to notice their thought patterns and consider alternatives.

The Most Important Skill Missing from Education: Constructive Differencing

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CaptureConstructive differencing, a concept put forth by Dr. Jared Scherz, encourages the creation of a learning environment that embraces differences. Differences become the fertile ground for expanding our self of self, others, and the world. Constructive differencing helps to grow empathy and produces greater intimacy in our lives.

Constructive differencing is based on a premise that people will have divergent beliefs, values, thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc… that we can use to get to know them and ourselves better. Children are not often asked for their opinions making it difficult for them to respect or even embrace what they don’t resonate with. We are often taught that our ability to be accepted and valued depends on our ability to agree with people.  Many of us were raised to see respect in terms of follow directions, doing what’s expected and not questioning authority.

The danger in believing that there is only one way to think about something is that it can set one up to have little interest in or tolerance for new information.  Rigid thinking limits our problem solving skills and inhibits relationship building across differences. The less flexibly we are in our thinking/ perceiving, the more likely we are to approach conflict as a prelude to aggression. Conversely, the more flexible we are in thinking/ perceiving, the less intimidated we are by differences.

We can accomplish this flexible posture more easily through greater awareness of our own insecurities and frailties, which can inhibit our receptivity and distort our perceptions. If Mrs. Smith for instance, doesn’t recognize that she is insecure about her aging process (drying skin, changing figure, etc…), she may not be as receptive to a skinny young female student who talks about being fat.

Curiosity about how children formulate an opinion, come to conclusions, or how they see the world, can help teachers reach students where they are. This is most difficult when students have views that are diametrically opposed to our own. If Mr. Bell’s fourth grade student announces to his class that all Muslims are evil, Mr. Bell may feel a strong impulse to correct his student. Doing so without trying to understand how this child came to embody such a strong belief, risks pushing the student even further toward an extreme polarity.

Teachers can model for children how to consider multiple perspectives and dialogue about them in a way that invites closeness as opposed to tension. Curiosity is the key and a replacement to the antiquate right and wrong perspective that leads to polarization. Curiosity helps navigate peaceful conflict, because we can’t find a solutions, common ground, or even have a safe/ productive negotiation without each person knowing their beliefs matter. Helping individuals to stay connected, even when they disagree is the single most difficult challenge of teaching students and one that can be helped with an appreciation for curiosity.

Adults working (or living) with children are often tempted to jump in and resolve conflicts and disagreements between children. We solve or advise in a way that takes away the power from students to resolve the problem themselves.  We offer solutions before we fully understand how or why a child has developed the behavior or belief he/she has.

Curiosity about the life of the student in the South Carolina classroom who was defiant and forcibly removed by a community resource officer might have revealed her need for additional services.  Had the administration asked of the other students “How can we solve this problem in a way that doesn’t cause harm to anyone or anything? How can we each get what we want?”, they would have modeled empathy and empowered the students to be a part of creating a learning environment in which they feel engaged.

Resistance or Defiance?

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The recent treatment of a black teenage girl in South Carolina by former white school resource officer Ben Fields has educators, parents and activists debating whether police force is an appropriate behavior management strategy for schools or contributes to the school to prison pipeline.

When we reflexively label student opposition as defiant, we diminish our opportunity to recognize their resistance, a natural adaptation we can tap into to promote learning.  Defiance is perceived as an “open disregard or contempt; a challenge to meet in combat”.  It’s no wonder when we look at student behavior through the lens of defiance that we feel threatened and respond in kind.  Resistance, however, is a creative and healthy way we regulate ourselves, set boundaries to keep ourselves safe from real and perceived threats.

Children resist for many reasons, we may not have time or insight enough to understand. When this resistance takes on a less constructive form, such as disrupting a classroom, our ability to look for underlying motives becomes thwarted. As adults we may find less assertive or aggressive ways to resist – we call out sick, we procrastinate, we use our power to avoid or devalue what we find threatening.  Children and teens, however, often resort to opposition to limit their contact with people and environments. When trust is then lost through our poorly managed navigation of resistance, children may become defiant.

Defiance may be born out of mistrust, loss of volition, chronic feelings of unfairness and even trauma. Imagine a child who has been emotionally, physically or sexually abused for years, trying to stand up for herself because the world is seen as a threat. How do we distinguish between that and defiance generated by a sense of entitlement, a child who has been handed everything and doesn’t respect authority?

Defiance is an unconstructive form of managing conflict, but often used a desperate tool for children who aren’t taught constructive differencing. If we only respond to this child with consequences (different from punishment which engenders shame and increase resistance such as the force used by the SRO), we increase the likelihood of strengthening resistance. Shaming a child through taking away their already limited power will worsen the problem.

The key is to deal with resistance before it evolves into defiance. So what can we do when met with the inevitable eye-rolling, teeth-sucking, arm-crossing opposition of students expressing their rebellion and how do we differentiate natural development from a deeper well of psychological pain?  Successful teachers know that the most effective way to reach students is to meet them where they are, which means being naturally curious opposed to seeing this as a threat or annoyance.

The student in South Carolina lives in foster care.  There are varying reports of the whereabouts of her biological parents, but evidently bad enough that she had been placed in the care of the state. It is likely that the world and a microcosm of it being her classroom did not feel safe.  It’s possible that every adult was tested to see how fairly/ kindly they will treat her. It’s even possible she has learned to provoke people to bring out their worst, but doing so in a way that keeps her feeling in control of the situation.

When a child has difficulty with a particular subject or learning objective, we work to understand where the blockage is and how best to get through.  Resistance offers the same opportunity for growth, hindered however by our own feelings of being challenged or having our learning environment seemingly threatened.

The next time you find yourself at your wit’s end with a child’s disrespectful behavior, consider that before we can address them, we need to understand the etiology of their behavior. Did they have a bad morning at home, a poor encounter with a fellow student, an embarrassing moment in their previous class?  Curiosity about them and what gets stirred up inside you in the face of disrespect can help prevent escalation of conflicts. Students will see you as an ally once you past the test of “will this adult treat me like all the other adults in my life?”.

If you are feeling afraid, uncertain, devalued or belittled, chances are good you have the potential to be empathic. Children help us feel what they are feeling in their lives, so use this opportunity as a window to understand them.  There is no greater gift to a student then helping them work through resistance that will interfere with their learning.

At the Intersection of Shame and Guidance: An argument against the stoplight

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CaptureIt’s the start of another school year, a time full of expectation and hope for teachers, students and their families.  Take a moment now and picture the faces of the children in your class.  Really see them in front of you.  Of course you hope to inspire them with a love of the subjects you will teach them and to build their skills and confidence in learning.  But as you picture their faces, imagine them moving through the other parts of their lives, maybe with peers, family, maybe as adults in the world.  What else do you hope for these young people?

A recent letter from a former teacher and psychologist Jennifer Bradley to teachers everywhere (www.beyondthestoplight.com)  is making its way around the internet.  In it, Dr. Bradley asks us to reconsider the ubiquitous stoplight behavior posters that fill classrooms across the country.  For the uninitiated, this is a three color stoplight with names of the students attached by clothespins or paper clips.  Throughout the day, the teacher slides children’s names from green, where they presumably start each morning, to yellow and possibly to red, creating  a visual cue for who is ‘on task’ or using appropriate classroom behavior and who is not.

The thinking behind this method is that the stoplight can serve as a reminder for children to consider their behaviors and the fear of being ‘on red’ will keep them focused on the acceptable ones.  But the research on shame doesn’t support this theory.

Imagine if there were a stoplight in the teacher’s lounge.  Mr. Trieshard and Ms. Duzwell’s names are posted in the green ball for the third week in a row but your name has been slid up into the yellow for all your colleagues to see.  Would you be encouraged to seek support from your peers to move back to green or would you avoid the lounge and stress over your job?

Children who are shamed become afraid, and this fear does not go away as they get older.  Often these children grow into adults who are filled with self-doubt, depression and anxiety.  In the short term, children who are shamed in the classroom develop a belief that they are incapable of the behavior their teachers expect and often continue to behave in ways that continue to reinforce their shame creating an inescapable spiral for them and an ever-challenging classroom for you.

Dr. Bradley’s letter encourages us to move away from shame-based discipline and look for methods that support every child, not just the ones on green.  Turning away from methods we were taught in training and that are encouraged throughout the school can be anxiety provoking and frightening. Consider joining with other teachers who are looking for alternatives so you can feel supported.

See the faces of your students once again.  Imagine yourself or your children among the faces and believe yourself able to create the classroom you or they once needed.

Coaching and courses offered through Teacher Coach can support you in exploring and trying new ideas in your work and family life. www.teachercoach.com

 

 

 

Breaking Down Gender and Sex Paradigms

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CaptureJune is LGBT Pride Month.  June was chosen for Pride Month to commemorate the Stonewall riots, which occurred at the end of June 1969 in New York City.  Today, LGBT students are bullied at a rate of nearly four times that of other students and there are far too many stories of children and youth who take their lives after having been targeted because of their real or presumed sexual orientation or gender expression.

Despite these harrowing statistics, gender awareness seems to be at an all-time high and a recent poll of millenials showed that young people are increasingly more likely to think of gender existing along a flexible and fluctuating continuum.  School districts are developing policies to support transgender and gender variant youth. This can be challenging and confusing to those of us who grew up believing that gender and sex had to be either/or.

The following explanation is offered as a way of rethinking the either/or paradigm.  It will be helpful to first recognize that the following four elements of sexuality and gender exist independently of each other and on a continuum.  This will make more sense in a moment. Let’s start by taking a closer look at each element:

Gender Identity: This refers to how we think about ourselves.  On one end of the spectrum is ‘woman’ and the other ‘man’.  The space in-between represents self-identities that may fall outside of societal definitions of either.

Gender Expression: This refers to how we express our identities.  “Feminine” and “Masculine” make up the poles of this axis.  Gender expression changes daily for most of us and encompasses the clothing, hairstyles, make up, way we walk or sit, etc. that we put on in the moment.

Biological Sex: The objectively measured hormones, organs and chromosomes that make up your body are referred to as your biological sex and yes, these exist on a continuum of male to female as well. “Intersex” refers to any combination of these things and is much more common than typically portrayed.  According to the Intersex Society of North America, 1 in 100 people differ from standard male or female bodies at birth.

Sexual Orientation: Who you are physically, spiritually and emotionally attracted to.  At one end of the continuum is heterosexual, or, attracted to someone of the opposite biological sex and at the other end, homosexuality or same sex attraction.  Dr. Alfred Kinsey’s research in the mid 20th century found that most people are not absolutely at one end or the other of this continuum and created a 7 point scale that encompassed fantasies, dreams, thoughts and emotional investments as well as physical attraction.

These four elements interact with one another but are not interdependent – meaning that one’s identity doesn’t determine one’s orientation any more than one’s sex determines one’s expression.

Understanding the evolving definitions of gender and sex can help us create and support a climate that is welcoming to all students and families and hopefully help us address youth depression and suicide.