Building Teen Independence with an Unstructured Summer

nimbus-image-1465652380111School ends in our district in one more week. And for the first time in 13 years I have not secured a camp or daycare for my child. I know the statistics, I used to quote them when I ran a summer youth program. Drug and alcohol use in teens increases by 40 percent during the summer months. Crimes committed by and against teens increase in the summer months and unstructured, unsupervised time can lead to increased sexual experimentation.

Still, as I watch my gangly soon-to-be-8th grader strum his guitar and shoot hoops at the corner, I remember my own long summer days spent lazing around, sleeping in and ruling the alley-ways with my friends. Nobody we knew then ever went to camp. And so I’ve agreed to an unstructured summer.

Junior High and High School schedules with early morning start times, shortened lunch periods that barely leave time for eating much less socializing, and no recess deprive developing teens of the rest and downtime they need for much of the school year. Summer offers a chance for them to relax and replenish their physical and mental energy.

With a few basic guidelines, parents can reduce the potential risks of summer freedom without limiting the independence and choice that is so important to this age.

  • Set basic rules for the summer: Involve your teen in setting mutually agreed upon curfews and house rules, along with reasonable and enforceable consequences if they are not met.
  • Have planned ‘check-ins’ daily: Require your teen to phone, text or send a photo at key points during the day to let you know where they are and how you can reach them.
  • Know your teen’s friends and their parents: The rule at my house is nobody in the house when I’m not home and my child cannot go into another child’s house until I have met or spoken with the parents. Be sure to get parent phone numbers to help verify that everyone is where they say they will be.
  • Reserve time for family: Although it may not often seem that way, most teens still want some connection with family over the summer. Make a dinnertime or weekly family outing day part of the requirement for less oversight during the rest of the week.

To encourage some productivity, I have agreed to match a portion of any money my child makes babysitting or doing odd jobs this summer and to pay him for any volunteer work he is interested in exploring. I also required him to identify one new skill he intends to pick up over the eleven weeks. He is currently intending to build a guitar from a kit.

 Of course I worry. I’ve emptied the cabinets of all prescription medicines, I don’t keep alcohol in the house and I restrict the data and texting plan on his phone. He will still have basic chores and we will still have to address the summer math and reading packet, but I think this summer of freedom will leave us both a little wiser in the end.

Inclusive Parenting: Harnessing Aggression to Strengthen Your Relationship

“I’m finished! I’ve been asking you to clean your room for weeks. Hand me your phone.”

“But I won’t be able to text or call anyone all weekend!! I took out the dirty laundry, I’ll do the rest next week!”

(It should be noted here that the room in question belongs to a 13 year old boy and the ‘straightening’ being requested is not military corners and white glove dust inspection. And this is the third ‘next week’ the task has been delayed.)

“The phone will be returned when the room is clean. The rest is up to you.”

“I want you to know I am going to have a very hard time forgiving you.”

“I’m willing to deal with that.”

It’s been another typical Friday night at my house. In fact, since he started showing the first signs of puberty, arguments in the house have occurred almost daily. Many include more ‘descriptive’ language.  These are the years my mother warned me about.

Talk about the teen years long enough and you’re bound to use the word aggression, generally as a complaint about the way teens display their anger. As a therapist, I’m often asked by parents to teach their teens to stop being aggressive. However, Philip Lichtenberg, gestalt therapist, argues that there cannot be human relationships without aggression. To aggress, he argues, is simply to assert one’s will or move forward towards a goal or need. Aggression can be inclusive or exclusive, that is, aggression can be energy directed at deepening relationships or at limiting them.

Exclusive aggression is characterized by one person diminishing or negating the other. The exclusive aggressor asserts him/herself as right and the other as wrong. In order for the relationship to continue, one person must accept being ‘less than’ the other. Inclusive aggression involves actively promoting both parties in the relationship. The inclusive aggressor clearly defines their position at the same time urging the other to do the same. When both parties feel they have been heard and have listened to one another, the relationshCaptureip deepens.

The negative connotation of the term aggression means that we seldom consider it as a tool in parenting. But when we think of aggression as the means for children to develop their unique identities and sense of self, it can be something we model for them and support as a part of their development.

Perhaps we can consider parenting styles to be inclusive or exclusive. Exclusive authoritarian parenting exists when the desires and needs of the parents supersede those of the child. Relationships between parent and child in these situations are strained and the child learns that the only way to assert them self is to exert power over another.

Inclusive parenting supports the independence of both the child and the parent and brings the two closer. Inclusive parents set clear boundaries while at the same time recognizing the importance of the child’s will. They model independence and respect.

The boy in question at the beginning of this article did not get his phone back Friday night. In protest, he watched movies on his loft bed surveying his mess. The mother poured herself a glass of wine and read her book. Eventually his need to text will call him down to finish the job. And when I return his phone, I will thank him. I suspect he may even forgive me.

Parenting is Not For the Faint of Heart

CaptureThis kind of thing happens in my house at least once a week.  It’s the price I pay for encouraging independence in my 7th grader.  The list of damages is long, a burnt chair, broken mugs, lamps, pictures…arms….but the inventions are equally exciting.  On his own he’s taught himself to play the guitar, design and sew a replica of a medieval knight’s costume, and make  very  lifelike scars and wounds out of latex and make up.  At 5 he was making one meal a week for the family.  Sometimes we ate peanut butter and candy bar sandwiches but we’ve also enjoyed chilled cucumber soup and grilled pineapple over saffron rice.

I believe that if he’s going to be ready for challenges in his future, he’s going to have to, quite literally, break a few eggs.  Children and teens need to be given the chance to struggle and sometimes fail so they can gain the skills for coping with and recovering from challenges.  This is how they develop resilience, the ability to weather setbacks and the belief that they are capable of surviving the hardships that will inevitably come.

Children become resilient through opportunities to connect with their abilities, sense of self and to the world at large.  As parents and teachers, the more we can help foster these connections, the more resilient our children can become.

Connecting with abilities: Children learn what they are capable of through decision making and problem solving.  “I’m not sure, what do you think needs to happen?” and “How are you going to solve this?” not only take the pressure off of adults to have and provide the ‘right’ answer, but send the message that children are competent and can find solutions.

Connecting to sense of self: “Trophies for everyone” is a common attempt at boosting children’s self-esteem but without specific and authentic praise children don’t learn what it is that they do well and where their areas for improvement are.

Connection to family and friends: Children who know that they are safe and accepted in their families and communities know they can take risks and try new things.  Open communication and the encouragement to express all emotions (even frustration!) lets children know that they don’t need to be perfect, especially the first time.

Connection to the larger world: A key component of resiliency is the knowledge that you make a difference, that you have a place in the world.  Volunteer activities connect children to the adult world and provide them with a sense that they are not alone and that they have the power to make a difference in someone else’s life.

As parents it is our nature to want to protect children from harm, from disappointment and from failure.  Watching them struggle can bring up our own feelings of shame and fear.  But it is through engaging in struggle that we become aware of the impact of our own actions and choices and we learn exactly what we are capable of achieving.

Get more support for the challenges of parenthood through our online classes here.

Helping Children Take Responsibility

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“It’s not my fault! You MADE me do it!!!”

Arguments like these are likely no stranger to parents of children who seem to find it impossible to take responsibility for their own actions.  To be fair, in some ways, they truly can’t.  The ability to reflect on one’s actions and manage emotions is governed by the pre-frontal cortex, a part of the brain that is still developing in young people. Fortunately, activating the functions of this part of the brain helps it develop – meaning the more you help them through the process of reflecting, the more easily it will come to them in the future.

Young children learn rapidly and effectively through observation.  And guess who they’re observing most?  Helping children move past blaming others takes modeling and support.  Just like us, children blame others to avoid disapproval, negative consequences and the discomfort of feeling ‘wrong’.  When children hear us make comments that blame our cranky neighbor or the selfish lady in the checkout line for our bad behavior, they are taking notes.

How easy is it for your child to tell you if she’s done something wrong?  Will she be met with anger or understanding?  Will he be punished immediately or helped to recognize the consequences of his actions? Children are more likely to confide in adults who remain calm and approachable and help them understand what they could do differently next time.

One way to help children practice reflection is to help them understand cause and effect.  Playing games, using stories and finding teachable moments to demonstrate ‘what happens if..” can make it seem less threatening when it comes time to looking at their own behavior and helps them set up an inner dialogue to evaluate on their own.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

“Oh, I was talking on the phone when I put those keys down and now I can’t find them”

“I got up late this morning and then was so rushed I forgot to thaw the chicken.”

You may just find your own stress level going down when you do this and realize you have more control over what happens to you than you thought.

It’s as Easy as Falling Off a Bike

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A father was describing to me how he recently taught his daughter to ride her bike.  The kickstand was off and she was exploring her balance as she tentatively placed her foot on the pedal and inched forward.  Without the speed needed to keep the bike upright she tipped over and hopped around a bit to stabilize herself, frustrated and fearful.  Her father knew that if she could just apply a little more pressure to the pedal she would get the bike moving and would soon see what it felt like to glide smoothly down the road.

The temptation in moments like this, when we can see the answer that the person in front of us hasn’t yet had the experience to understand, is to push them forward.  Likely, if he had lost his patience and told her to ‘just pedal’, she would have become more upset herself, might have given up, certainly the experience would be less pleasant for both of them.  Instead, this father recognized his daughter’s fear and asked her about it, met her where she was.  She described her fear of falling off, of not being able to stop, of going too fast.  And he listened.  And he remembered when he first learned, and when he had been afraid.  He agreed that, yes, learning to ride a bike is scary and that he would be there to do what he could to help her until it wasn’t scary any longer.

My own son was not happy with my announcement that this was the day he would learn to ride.  “Will I fall?” he asked.  “Most certainly.” I replied.  “Will I bleed?” he asked.  “It is very possible that you will,” I said and showed him the BandAids I had packed in his pack.  “I’ll be right back,” he announced and ran back up to his room.  He emerged a few minutes later with three pairs of pants on to protect his knees and off we went to the park.

When we let go of our urge to protect and instruct children at our pace and instead, pay attention to their processes for learning, we can teach them self-confidence and the ability to tolerate their fears long enough to risk mistakes and failure.  I am happy to report that both of these children are happy riders now and both parents may have learned a little something along the way.

For more tips on navigating parenthood, visit the parent classes at Teacher Coach here 

 

 

To Do the Impossible Job

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A million years ago, before I became a parent, I was a parent educator.  “Never mind that I had no children of my own”, I’d say, “I have taught and raised hundreds of children”.  “In fact”, I’d go on to assert, “I’m probably a better parent than some who come to my classes because I’ve already tried my hand at more issues than the first-time parent is even aware of yet!!

I am now twelve years into parenting and still haven’t made all the apologies I need to make to the parents I ‘taught’ back then.  Sure, my years studying child development and education pedagogy have given me a solid footing for understanding what children need and some of the ways they learn and grow best.  But nothing prepared me for the lessons I could only learn by being a mother.

Nowhere in the fine print from the hospital or adoption agency, for instance, will you find instructions for how to remove Playdough from the sinus canal of a two year old. Or a bean from the ear of a 5 year old.  Or how to unstick a harmonica which has been crazy glued to one’s backside (Don’t ask, no answer will satisfy you).

While it is surely the most rewarding job I have ever undertaken, being a mother may also be the most impossible one.    The pay is terrible, the job description changes hourly and no matter what I accomplish, it never seems to match the expectations of my relatives, friends and neighbors. In fact every small achievement I might consider celebrating is debated by theorists and judged by other mothers also trying to find their way to perfection.

It’s beginning to sound a lot like the job of a teacher! And like most teachers, I’m not in this mothering job for the fame, wealth or power.  I do it because I can’t imagine not.  Because it is at the core of who I am. Because even at the end of the most hair-tearing days of complete exhaustion I know I have mattered to someone.

So to all the mothers and teachers who are mothers, this Sunday, after you’ve eaten the soggy toast and warm orange juice that might have been brought to your bed, and cleaned up the kitchen where it was made, take a moment and congratulate yourselves on a job well done. We are the doers of the impossible.

Getting Kids to Eat Healthy

A family came into my office this week excited to share their plan to get their child to eat new foods and increase his intake of fruits and vegetables.  They have created J’s Taste Kitchen which stars their youngest son who currently lives mostly on chicken fingers and pancakes.  The Taste Kitchen will be a special event weekly during which the child will taste and review one new food.  The family plans to make a video of the tasting each week in the spirit of popular cooking and food programs. J’s parents will work with J to choose each week’s tasting.  Foods he likes will be added to the family dinner rotation.  J will earn points for every food he tastes which he will cash in for a variety of rewards including extra screen time, 10 extra minutes of staying up before bedtime and extra bedtime stories.

What I love about this plan is that it is fun, incorporates technology, involves the whole family and can be kept within the family food budget. It also puts J in charge of some of the decisions about the food he eats which is likely to cut down on family feuds.

Getting children involved in cooking and shopping for food is a wonderful way to expand their interest in healthy eating.  There are a number of television shows cropping up that feature young chefs and bakers to inspire your picky eater.  Cookbooks with bright pictures and simple to follow instructions can help you involve your child in the weekly meal prep and cooking utensils designed especially for young people can help you feel comfortable turning your child loose in the kitchen.  A quick internet search can lead you to many recipes that substitute or add in fruits and vegetables to current family favorites.  Planting and growing vegetables can help you and your family feel more involved with the food you put on the table.

The following resources are just a tiny sample of what’s available to help you in your effort to inspire healthy eating.  Involving the family in fun and easy options might just end the dinner-time wars.  I’m sure hoping that happens for J!

Kid Cookbooks

Chop Chop: The Kids’ Guide to Cooking Real Food with Your Family ; Chop Chop also publishes a magazine and website featuring child cooks and recipes.

My A to Z Recipe Box: An Alphabet of Recipes for Kids: includes brightly colored and easy to follow recipes on cards that can be taken to the grocery to pick out ingredients.

Kid Cooking Supplies

www.GrowingCooks.com offers many kid-friendly utensils and kitchen items made for small hands.

www.CuriousChef.com offers recipes, blogs and utensils including safe cooking knives for small chefs at affordable prices.

Websites and Apps

www.thesneakychef.com includes recipes and products for adding fruits and vegetables in your family’s diet.

Nicolas’ Garden is a mobile app developed by 8 year old Nicholas that can be used by children and adults to find, plan and save healthy recipes and share them with others.

 

Please add to this list by posting some of your favorite ways to encourage children to eat healthy and check out our two-part course How to Get Children to Eat Healthy

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The Grades are In

grades“You are FAILING the sixth grade!!!” It wasn’t just hyperbole, my son’s progress report this week does show four Fs and getting him to complete and turn in work has been a struggle since the fall.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I expected more from him.  But the truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid he’d be tracked as a poor student, I even worried that his sixth grade transcript would keep him from college.  And as he cried and told me about class changes, block schedules, losing things in his locker and work getting lost in his backpack, I thought about the family not far from us who would never again get to be exasperated with their son or reprimand him about his work.  Their 13 year old boy took his life after receiving an email from his school about a failing grade.

Suicide is currently the leading cause of death among kids my son’s age, killing more young people than cancer.  This frightens me. Stress, anger, frustration and depression are all common in children who consider suicide. They are also necessary and normal feelings of teens  as they figure out who they are, what their goals are and how they decide they measure up. A 2011 (Hansen, B., & Lang, M) study of suicide rates in students found that suicides increase during the school year but dramatically decrease during the summer and school holidays.  The researchers controlled for seasons and weather and differences in ethnicity, race, gender and income.  In all groups, the trend remained; suicide rates increase when school is in session. Let that sink in for a moment. Suicide rates go up when our kids go back to school.

We are creating environments where our children feel unvalued, uncared for, and incapable of managing stress and disappointment.  We are narrowing the definition of success to discrete, measurable outputs, and forgetting to consider all that is gained through building relationships with peers and teachers and through trial and error.

My lovely boy is funny, creative and kind.  He is a talented singer and artist, he stands up for others when they are being treated unfairly.  He can cook.  He can design costumes and build machines out of paper and cardboard. He makes me laugh daily and for a little while, I forgot that those are grades I care about most and that is the curriculum I’ve been using to raise him.

 

 

 

Practicing Gratitude – Good for Your Relationships and Good for Your Health

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When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

 – Wayne Dyer

It is the season of package deliveries at my house again.  Thanks to generous friends and extended family, packages start arriving for my son weekly the day I’ve served the last piece of reheated turkey and continue through the end of the year.  Because he is still a child, this thrills him (OK, I still get excited when the UPS truck pulls up, even when I know I’ve ordered myself a new spatula), and because he is almost a teen, I still have to coach him in saying thank you.  “Mom!,” he invariably groans, “NOBODY writes thank you notes anymore!!”.

I wonder if he may be right.  While I remember to thank someone for an invitation or a favor or gift, I don’t always take the time to notice the smaller, everyday things for which I am grateful. And my health could be suffering.  Scientists have been studying the effects of gratitude practice, the regular and intentional practice of reflecting on what makes one thankful.  Better sleep, increased immunity, greater sense of happiness, and greater ability to handle stress are just a few of the benefits they are finding (Emmons, RA et al., 2003).

It doesn’t appear to matter how often you practice gratitude to see the benefits, just that you practice it regularly.  If a daily gratitude journal seems like too much, weekly routines that change where you focus your attention can shift the way you perceive events.

This year my son and I will start a new tradition based on something I saw on Pinterest (www.Pinterest.com), the Gratitude Jar.  On New Year’s Day we will place an empty jar in the living room with a stack of papers and pens.  Throughout the year we will encourage each other and any visitors to our home to take a moment and jot down something for which we are grateful and place our notes in the jar. Next New Year’s Eve we will be able to look back on all the gifts of the year.

Here are some tips to help you practice gratitude with your family:

  1. Be a model. Let your children see you saying thank you often, thank each other and when you are out and about, notice and comment positively about your surroundings.
  2. Be specific. While it is nice to be thankful for your family, saying this each night isn’t going to stretch your awareness.  Let family members know what specific things they do or say to bring you joy. Encourage your children to find small and large things to acknowledge.
  3. Start a new routine. Bedtime or mealtime can be a time for reflecting on the day.  Encourage family members to name three things they are grateful for each day.
  4. Keep track. Gratitude journals, jars, posters or message boards are all great ways to capture your reflections.  In more difficult times, these collections can be reviewed to help put things in perspective.