Monthly Archives: June 2015

Helping Children Take Responsibility

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“It’s not my fault! You MADE me do it!!!”

Arguments like these are likely no stranger to parents of children who seem to find it impossible to take responsibility for their own actions.  To be fair, in some ways, they truly can’t.  The ability to reflect on one’s actions and manage emotions is governed by the pre-frontal cortex, a part of the brain that is still developing in young people. Fortunately, activating the functions of this part of the brain helps it develop – meaning the more you help them through the process of reflecting, the more easily it will come to them in the future.

Young children learn rapidly and effectively through observation.  And guess who they’re observing most?  Helping children move past blaming others takes modeling and support.  Just like us, children blame others to avoid disapproval, negative consequences and the discomfort of feeling ‘wrong’.  When children hear us make comments that blame our cranky neighbor or the selfish lady in the checkout line for our bad behavior, they are taking notes.

How easy is it for your child to tell you if she’s done something wrong?  Will she be met with anger or understanding?  Will he be punished immediately or helped to recognize the consequences of his actions? Children are more likely to confide in adults who remain calm and approachable and help them understand what they could do differently next time.

One way to help children practice reflection is to help them understand cause and effect.  Playing games, using stories and finding teachable moments to demonstrate ‘what happens if..” can make it seem less threatening when it comes time to looking at their own behavior and helps them set up an inner dialogue to evaluate on their own.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

“Oh, I was talking on the phone when I put those keys down and now I can’t find them”

“I got up late this morning and then was so rushed I forgot to thaw the chicken.”

You may just find your own stress level going down when you do this and realize you have more control over what happens to you than you thought.

Feed Your Head

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Remember the last time you rode a roller coaster?  Or had to speak in front of a large audience? Or found a spider on your arm?  Did you just think about your stomach?  Gut instinct. I feel it in my belly.  I have butterflies in my stomach.  These aren’t just expressions.

Scientists have long known that neurons that are embedded in the alimentary canal, or gut, send messages to our brain.  So rich is this network that it is sometimes referred to as ‘the second brain’ and it is partially responsible for our mental state.

New research on the bacteria that lives in our guts suggests that unhealthy bacteria plays a key role in behavioral and emotional problems including depression, anxiety, ADHD and even autism.  In fact, it is estimated that nearly 95% of the body’s serotonin is manufactured in the gut when it is functioning normally.  Serotonin is the neurotransmitter responsible for transferring messages through the brain. Serotonin levels and the brain’s receptivity to it are believed to be associated with mood and depression.  Our modern diets of excessive sugar, processed foods, refined grains and genetically engineered foods have compromised our gut health, destroying healthy bacteria and increasing the amount of bad yeast and bacteria.

All is not lost, however.  Healthy bacteria can be returned to the gut with some simple changes to diet.  Reducing the amount of processed food and increasing your intake of fermented foods such as kefir, some yogurts, tempeh and sauerkraut or kim chee can re-balance your gut flora. People who do not enjoy the taste of fermented foods may wish to take a pro-biotic supplement available in most health food and grocery stores.  Before grabbing any heavily promoted ‘pro-biotic’ yogurts or drinks, do be sure to check the sugar content or you may be robbing Peter to pay Paul and not getting the most health benefits.

So before resorting to an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, perhaps, in the words of Jefferson Starship, remember what the dormouse said: Feed your head.

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Breaking Down Gender and Sex Paradigms

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CaptureJune is LGBT Pride Month.  June was chosen for Pride Month to commemorate the Stonewall riots, which occurred at the end of June 1969 in New York City.  Today, LGBT students are bullied at a rate of nearly four times that of other students and there are far too many stories of children and youth who take their lives after having been targeted because of their real or presumed sexual orientation or gender expression.

Despite these harrowing statistics, gender awareness seems to be at an all-time high and a recent poll of millenials showed that young people are increasingly more likely to think of gender existing along a flexible and fluctuating continuum.  School districts are developing policies to support transgender and gender variant youth. This can be challenging and confusing to those of us who grew up believing that gender and sex had to be either/or.

The following explanation is offered as a way of rethinking the either/or paradigm.  It will be helpful to first recognize that the following four elements of sexuality and gender exist independently of each other and on a continuum.  This will make more sense in a moment. Let’s start by taking a closer look at each element:

Gender Identity: This refers to how we think about ourselves.  On one end of the spectrum is ‘woman’ and the other ‘man’.  The space in-between represents self-identities that may fall outside of societal definitions of either.

Gender Expression: This refers to how we express our identities.  “Feminine” and “Masculine” make up the poles of this axis.  Gender expression changes daily for most of us and encompasses the clothing, hairstyles, make up, way we walk or sit, etc. that we put on in the moment.

Biological Sex: The objectively measured hormones, organs and chromosomes that make up your body are referred to as your biological sex and yes, these exist on a continuum of male to female as well. “Intersex” refers to any combination of these things and is much more common than typically portrayed.  According to the Intersex Society of North America, 1 in 100 people differ from standard male or female bodies at birth.

Sexual Orientation: Who you are physically, spiritually and emotionally attracted to.  At one end of the continuum is heterosexual, or, attracted to someone of the opposite biological sex and at the other end, homosexuality or same sex attraction.  Dr. Alfred Kinsey’s research in the mid 20th century found that most people are not absolutely at one end or the other of this continuum and created a 7 point scale that encompassed fantasies, dreams, thoughts and emotional investments as well as physical attraction.

These four elements interact with one another but are not interdependent – meaning that one’s identity doesn’t determine one’s orientation any more than one’s sex determines one’s expression.

Understanding the evolving definitions of gender and sex can help us create and support a climate that is welcoming to all students and families and hopefully help us address youth depression and suicide.