Fighting Fair

I was complaining to a friend once about a fight I was having with my partner. “He knows I’m right but he’s too stubborn to admit it!” I lamented.  She asked me if I wanted to be right, or if I wanted to be in the relationship.  Being in a couple requires negotiation and compromise.  My focus on winning, on being right, was pushing us farther apart.  Our fights never seemed to come to any resolution and, despite our ‘agreeing to disagree’, would surface again the next round.

When we fought, I don’t believe either of us had the goal of resolving anything.  As I look back, I realize our fights were about letting off steam, venting emotions that were not being shared.  Sometimes, I believe I picked fights just to get my partner to engage with me and so I could yell some of the things we never seemed to be able to discuss. That was not fair to him and not fair to the relationship. Capture

Fighting fair means exploring the differences, being curious about the other’s experience and applying this understanding to solutions that work for you both.  Our three-part series on fighting fair can help you get past the explosions of emotion and towards resolving issues that have interrupted the closeness of your relationship. These are some of the tips that fair fighters use:

  1. Know and speak from your feelings. Anger is usually a surface level emotion, a way of expressing a deeper need or want.  Ask yourself what it is that you need from your partner.
  1. Give a little, take a little. Negotiation and compromise are essential in a good marriage.  Be prepared to adjust your expectations as you work towards a solution together.
  1. There’s a time and place for everything. Fair fights are mutually agreed upon and occur when both partners feel they are best able to engage. Don’t be afraid to ask for a time out if things get too heated, but be certain to circle back at an agreed upon time.
  1. Stay curious. The goal of a fair fight is for each of you to learn more about the other and how you relate to one another.  Ask for feedback from your partner.  “Am I making sense?” “How is this to hear?” and accept constructive criticism that tells you more about your partner’s perspective.

For more help with fighting fair in your relationship, log into our courses here.

Need Anything?

Take a moment and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Are you thirsty? Maybe your foot has fallen asleep. CaptureMaybe you’ve been staring at your computer screen all day and you need a walk (go ahead, I’ll wait.).

Paying attention to more than the most immediate of basic needs is often not something we have been taught or encouraged to do.  In fact, placing the needs of others before our own is often seen as admirable and to tell others of what we need might be judged as being selfish.  But remember the airline attendant’s speech at take-off.  Before helping others, we are instructed, be sure to secure your mask and start the flow of oxygen.

Most of us can probably think of at least one relationship in which we ignored or brushed off something we needed from our partner.  At first this might have seemed like a way to let our partner know he/she was important, or to show interest.  But over time resentment starts to build. We might even dig in our heels and refuse to take care of our partner’s needs as well. Eventually we will have grown apart. And if we don’t spend the time identifying our needs, we’re likely to repeat the entire process again.

So how do you learn to recognize your needs?  It starts with awareness.  Some needs are easy to identify because our body sends us strong signals like a dry mouth to alert us to a need for water.  Our emotions can also be clues to help us discover our needs.  When we are uncomfortable or unhappy, something is missing.  In these moments it can be helpful to ask “How this experience is different from what I expected?  What did I need in this instance that I did not get?”

Identifying needs is a process.  It requires an openness to exploring feelings and to accepting what we might discover.  For more help in recognizing and expressing your needs, log in to our courses on Basic Human Needs.

How to Make Happy Parents

CaptureTrying to make parents happy is impossible.  Making happy parents, however, is something different.  When your goal is no longer trying to meet every need of every parent in every moment, you can focus your energy on building rewarding relationships with families.  The happier parents are, in general, the more invested they will be in what you’re doing, the more supportive they’ll be with your efforts and the less disruptive they will be to your day.

Our latest course “Making Happy Parents”, offers ten steps to build better relationships with the families of the children you teach so disgruntled parents don’t sap your energy.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

Stay Organized: A chief complaint of parents is the feeling that they are not getting correct information in a timely manner about assignments, school events and classroom activities.  Sometimes this is beyond your control but the more you can do to keep parents updated with detailed and correct information the fewer emails and calls you will have to deal with the answer questions and the more prepared your students are likely to be.

The Feedback Sandwich: You may remember this from your own reviews.  When talking to a parent about his or her child, try ‘sandwiching’ constructive feedback between encouraging comments about the child’s strengths. Parents are more likely to consider criticism if they are aware that you are also noticing what the child is accomplishing.  “Felicia is so enthusiastic about the books we read in class.  I’m noticing that she doesn’t always complete the book reports I assign, but her love of reading is exciting.”

Be Clear About Your Expectations: Tell parents what you expect of them and their children early and often.  If you are relying on a handout that was sent home the first week of school to inform parents about your grading, homework and attendance policies, there’s a good chance you’ll be repeating yourself a great deal throughout the year.  Review your expectations with students regularly and consider reminder notes, emails or update events throughout the year to inform families before there’s a problem.  Parents are likely to be more supportive when they feel informed and prepared.

For more steps towards happier parents, log in to our course “Making Parents Happy”.