Category Archives: Relationships

ISO Romance: How to Get the Relationship You Want

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“I think I’m ready to start dating again” announced my client, a 30 something, divorced suburban teacher.  “But this time, no jerks!” (Well, that’s not exactly the word she used, but you get the idea).  ‘G’ had had a few short-term relationships since her last divorce but nothing really lasting.  She joked “I will give a guy the best three months of his life, and then, he’s outta here!” It seemed that she hadn’t been able to find someone that really ‘clicked’ for her.  She admitted that sometimes she’d stay with a guy because she’d rather have the company than be alone, but she’d find herself cancelling dates and making excuses until the inevitable ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.  Sometimes she delivered it, sometimes he.

I asked G. what she thought would be different this time.  “This time”, she answered, “I want to find someone I’m excited to be with – something that feels like it could have a future.” She sighed and I suspected there was more she wanted to say.  “You know, I would like an old-fashioned, honest to goodness romance!”

Here’s where we began:

Start with You

Up until now, G’s efforts at dating had been entirely online.  She scoured the profiles looking for men who ‘didn’t look creepy’ and who listed a few things she found interesting.  She went on many coffee dates, looking for red flags that would confirm her suspicion that it could never work.

“What are you bringing to the table?” I asked her.  She was confused initially.  All of her efforts had been to find someone who had traits she found interesting.  And if things didn’t work out, she could be pretty hard on herself, assuming she was too old or tall or fat or thin or……

Our first task was to help G. identify the strengths she brings to a relationship.  G is an excellent planner, she is able to throw a party or organize a trip with little notice.  She is also outgoing and friendly, always doing things for others.  Next, we looked at areas where G. might not excel.  She wished she could be more spontaneous and people were always telling her she needed to take time out for herself.  G. would need a partner who could appreciate her strengths, be comfortable with her taking the lead, but be able to take over planning sometimes so she could learn to be cared for by others.

Learn From the Past

This was a little harder.  G’s divorce was a painful one and she still held a lot of anger towards her ex-husband.  While she could easily identify what was wrong with him, it was harder for her to recognize her part in the end of the relationship.  Gradually, as she realized she no longer had to ‘win’ or convince him she was right, she became more able to accept the fact that she wasn’t always as direct as she could have been and she had given up trying to understand his point of view. In an effort to avoid conflict, she had also avoided speaking up for what she wanted.

As we reviewed her more recent relationships she realized that she had been seeking a particular ‘type’, looking for traits she assumed to be completely opposite of her husband so she wouldn’t make the same mistake again.  The mild-mannered banker who never yelled seemed so pleasant, until she grew bored of his inability to state any preference for a movie or restaurant. In her efforts to find something her husband was ‘not’, she had lost sight of what she wanted a partner to be.

Use Your Resources

Online dating certainly has its merits.  For the working woman, it can offer a quick and convenient way to put yourself out there and to make initial contacts. The search parameters make it possible to limit contacts to college graduates or men who scuba dive but G. was finding that despite her carefully crafted profile she still wasn’t meeting men who were a good match for her.

I suggested G let her friends, family and co-workers all know she was on the market.  She balked at the idea at first, not certain she wanted to let others know she was looking.  While G. said she was optimistic about finding someone, she recognized a part of her was afraid of being rejected.  She would frequently go out with people ‘because they asked’ rather than ask out the handsome man she’d noticed at the gym last month.

I suggested that she tap into her network. There is a good chance that someone knows someone who knows someone that could be a match for her.  The people in her network are people she has chosen because they are people she enjoys being with or respects. A referral from these folks is much more likely to be closer to the mark than the options that get generated from a dating site algorithm. While it might mean swallowing a little of her pride, it is possible that her friends have just been waiting for her to ask so they could introduce her to a cousin who would be absolutely perfect.

Take a Chance

G. had been on a dating hiatus because it had started to feel like work.  She had forgotten to have fun with the process.  She even had a routine for setting up dates! She’d scour the matches, contact three a day and try to make at least three coffee dates a week.  Dating is a numbers game for sure.  Some sources say it takes about 50 dates for every promising match.  So I didn’t fault G for her system. But I was worried she was going to develop a urinary tract infection if she kept drinking that much caffeine!! I encouraged G. to research local meet up groups and special interest clubs.  If she didn’t meet someone every time, she’d at least be meeting people with similar interests and people who were also willing to put themselves out there.

Enjoy the Ride

My hope for G. is that she can start to think about dating as a way to learn more about herself and others and not just as a means to an end.  Settling too quickly, taking the first partner to come along, might have felt like a relief in the moment but hasn’t been getting her closer to the relationship she’s always imagined.  Every date that doesn’t work out gets you a little closer to what you’re looking for.  I hope G. will be gentle with herself the next time things don’t work out.  She will have just learned more about what she doesn’t want.  And that’s a huge step towards getting what she wants.

In the end, the love you find will only be as good as the love you have for yourself.  Trust that you’re worthy and make the romance you deserve.

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Am I in a Dysfunctional Relationship?

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wilted flowersAll relationships have their ups and downs. In successful relationships, partners learn to explore disappointments and disillusionments together, each taking ownership of their own part In the problems and learning to overcome toxic behaviors together. For a partnership to be healthy, both partners need to learn why they act and react the way they do.  In dysfunctional relationships unhealthy patterns go unchanged.  Bickering and arguing, avoiding and withdrawing become standard and it can be difficult to objectively assess your relationship.

If any of these statements are true for you, it could be an indication that something is amiss in your relationship and you could benefit from counseling or support:

 

I am on edge about making my partner upset – you find yourself avoiding conflict and going out of your way to ‘smooth over’ any differences.

I make my choice to stay together because I don’t want to be alone – Fears of never finding another partner, or only ending up in another relationship like the one you are in keep you stuck in a relationship you don’t find satisfying

I’m embarrassed to introduce or spend time with friends and my significant other – Your partner’s behavior has become unpredictable or you worry that your friends would not approve of how they see you being treated

I feel controlled – you have limited opportunity to make choices or decisions in the relationship, you find yourself cancelling or avoiding events because your partner won’t want to go or will make thinks unpleasant if you do

I have to plead with my partner to meet my needs – you regularly or frequently find yourself feeling the relationship is ‘uneven’ and that your partner does not place importance on your needs

A healthy relationship requires healthy partners. The only way to improve a dysfunctional relationship is for both partners to identify and take ownership of their contributions to the problems.  That is often not a reality in dysfunctional partnerships.  If your partner is unwilling to participate in couples’ therapy, individual counseling can help you to recognize why you act and react the way you do and help you to build your own sense of self, giving you more choices and options in your intimate relationships.

What Makes a ‘Whole Teacher’? Part I

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gestalt image 5My ten year old daughter found this to be a silly title, rather obvious that arms, legs, torso, etc… was the answer….and her point was not lost on me. If everybody looks relatively the same on the outside, how do we define wholeness and how do we apply this ambiguous concept to the life of an educator? Perhaps we can start by exploring what a teacher who isn’t whole or fragmented might look like, so we know what to look for.

There are warning signs of fragmentation we fail to recognize, serving to reinforce their degree of stress. For instance, we may overlook yelling at a student, disproportionate to their actions and then feel badly that we acted so harshly. We may feel lethargic about going to work, chalking it up to a more temporal condition like a busy weekend, chiding ourselves for not being more energetic. How about reacting to something a colleague says or does as if they have mortally wounded us, not talking to them and increasing our sense of isolation. What if these weren’t merely signs we are having an off day, but the indices of something deeper?

Not feeling whole means lacking the resiliency to easily bounce back from everyday stressors. We aren’t able to let things bounce off us nor can we easily locate peace during times of moderate stress. We may have difficulty calming ourselves or bouncing back from disappointment because our energies are going into self-protection as opposed to self-discovery. When we don’t feel whole, we guard against the world as if any perceived threat may further dis-integrate us. If a parent for instance sends us a scathing email, blaming us for their child’s poor grade, but we ruminate about it becoming resentful instead of curious. Yes their approach was offensive, but what really set them off and what does this mean for the student?

A teacher who isn’t whole could also be called disintegrated or fragmented. Both of these terms means all the pieces aren’t working together to form a cohesive self. As complex human beings we have many moving parts including needs, wants, fears, fantasies, drives, impulses, etc… that come together to form a whole person, only these parts are seldom fully understood, valued, or appreciated as driving forces for our existence. Perhaps we fantasize about yelling at our principal, but keep that urge buried. Maybe we imagine ourselves being nominated teacher of the year, but dismiss this as a silly dream. Each time we disavow a piece of who we are, we become a bit less whole.

Most often these forces are underneath our own radar, having subtle or even overt influences on how we live. If we aren’t aware of our fear of rejection, we may not recognize how we keep people at a distance to guard against this risk. The less aware we are of these forces, the less intentional we can be about taking steps to feeling more secure. As a mentor to young children, we want to model leaning into discomfort so that we can reveal what is hidden. Just as we are illuminating young minds with knowledge of the world, we also want to improve awareness of the self.

If we become too fragmented we experience life as hectic, disorganized, pressured, deflating, overwhelming, restrictive, redundant, oppressive and/ or threatening. We may become anxious, agitated, or dysphoric. We may isolate ourselves, relate on a surface level, and overpower or manipulate others to get our way. We become less authentic, being one way at times and then another way at other times with different people, trying to hide from the world what we are experiencing. As a professional, our teaching becomes less than optimal reducing our sense of meaning and purpose.

On the contrary, when we move toward feeling more integrated, we generate more energy, passion, and vitality for life. Our relationships improve, our work becomes more productive, our intimacy deepens, and our sense of self becomes more fluid. We learn to appreciate those parts of ourselves that we aren’t okay with while moving to make changes that help us with self-acceptance. This entire blog and all the subsequent posts are designed to help with this goal.

Here are some simple but important questions to consider that will help you determine how whole you feel at this point in time.

  1. Happy in one’s personal life
  2. Feels a sense of meaning and purpose in one’s job
  3. Has freedom of autonomy and creativity at work
  4. Students are learning and growing
  5. Enjoys one’s colleagues
  6. Feels safe at work
  7. Experiences good work/life balance
  8. Appreciates the direction/support of administration
  9. Stress level is at a manageable level
  10. Curricula is fun and interesting for the class

It should also be important to note that while feeling/being whole is a desirable condition, it’s not a destination so much as a lifestyle. We are either moving more toward being whole or further away from it. The more we engage our protective mechanisms, such as blaming administrators, policies, students, families, etc… the less likely we are taking stock of our own lives and how we can make them better.