Couples struggling to communicate better or improve intimacy in their relationship may look to language arts class for help.

Healthy relationships depend on couples being able to negotiate with each other to meet their needs. Gestalt therapy describe this process as the contact cycle and it can be compared to the arc of a story.  The contact cycle begins with awareness of a desire or need, a progression to acting on the desire, contact with the environment and then withdrawal and assessment of the process. Many of us rush through this final stage and move on to the next desire or need without taking time to fully process the experience we have just had. Without time to assess and process, we are prone to remaining stuck in unhealthy or unproductive patterns.

Consider a common challenge, snacking or mindless eating. We become aware of some sensation that we interpret as hunger or desire for food (often we rush through this stage as well, eating sometimes before determining whether it is actually nutrition we need or some other comfort.) Aware of the sensation of hunger we conceptualize what will satisfy the need and mobilize our energy to call for pizza delivery or making a sandwich. Contact is made when we eat the food.

To fully complete the cycle requires an assessment of how we knew we were hungry, how we made the decision to eat what and how much we did, how we determined we were full and how we feel after having digested our meal. Eating disorders and unhealthy habits represent limited awareness of the process.

The same reflection process can be applied to interactions in our relationships with others. Couples who find themselves in counseling are often trapped in a pattern of relating to one another without awareness of how they may be perpetuating the very distancing they hope to end. Couples who remain focused on the content of an argument without paying attention to the ‘how’ of their arguments will find themselves having the same fight again and again.

A helpful tool for couples wishing to better understand their relationship and to build intimacy is to build in time after an argument to discuss what the fight was like. This takes practice and may take outside help. The goal is not to rehash the details of who put the dishes away and when, but to ask each other “What was it like for you to have that argument with me?” It is also best to let emotions settle before processing. One couple I know uses evening dog walks as a time to review how well they were able to fight.

The following checklist can help direct your attention to the ‘how’ of

• How did I feel when we started our discussion?
• What wishes and fears did I have about the conversation?
• How well did I communicate my needs to the other person?
• What do I remember about physical sensations (muscle tension, churning stomach, etc.) and what am I aware of now?
• What did my partner do that helped me feel heard?
• What do I know about how I helped my partner feel heard?
• What old wounds or habits am I aware of that were activated during our fight?
• What will I do differently next time?