He wasn’t really sure what to make of my comment. To my client, the notion was ridiculous at best and most likely impossible. “What if the very fact that you exist means you are worthy?” I had asked. “What would your life be like if you were enough right now?”
He humored me at first, I think assuming this was the touchy-feely stuff of therapy. But I pushed him. “No, really. What would a day be like for you if everything you did that day was neither good, nor bad -just enough?”
“Well, I’d sure be a lot happier,” he said. “And I’d probably get a lot more done.” J is a perfectionist. He is also depressed. The expectations he has of himself are extraordinarily high. And the fear of not living up to those expectations has frequently rendered him unable to act at all.
Perfectionism is often mistakenly praised as a characteristic of highly successful achievers. But the all-or-nothing thinking and heavy focus on perfect results is quite self-destructive. ‘Perfect’ doesn’t exist. It can’t be achieved and those who seek it are never fully satisfied as they continuously evaluate and reevaluate their progress for what more could be improved.
This fear of failure or at least of mediocrity creates a feedback loop that encourages more anxiety. J. is asked to write a summary report for his supervisor. He becomes tense as he worries about it being perfect so he spends hours on it, editing and refining it. He is convinced the extra time he is spending is improving the quality of the report so some of his tension is released which encourages him to continue the pattern of becoming anxious and deliberating over the work.
Sometimes he releases the tension of the worry by avoiding the report all together. He then begins a lot of negative self-talk and judges himself for not being motivated, and sinks further into his depression. J. has not yet come to believe that some of his greatest growth will come from his mistakes. It’s likely that mistakes were not tolerated when he was younger, and certainly not celebrated as learning opportunities.
If you find yourself paralyzed by your own perfectionist predilections, a change in perspective may be in order. First, review some of your most brilliant failures. Can you remember a time when you learned something from a mistake or bad decision? Make a list to refer to the next time you worry whether you will get something ‘right’. Mistakes tell us that we took a risk and pushed ourselves towards growth.
Next, practice non-judgement-of yourself, of experiences, of others. Notice when you attach a value statement to an achievement, even if it’s positive. Rushing to label an experience as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ cheats you of the time to appreciate the full moment. That sandwich you just ate was more than “awesome”, it was spicy, the bread was soft, it reminded you of the time you had a picnic with your younger brother. That lesson plan you delivered wasn’t “terrible”, it didn’t fit the needs of the class you had that morning. When you accept yourself and others as human, messy, flawed and imperfect, you are likely to see your anxiety lessen and may even experience more genuine relationships with others.
Finally, pay attention to your self-care. When you are not eating or sleeping well or are feeling otherwise depleted you are likely to be more rigid and less tolerant of your anxiety and less accepting of your mistakes.